Dear Season Five Project Runway-ers, it’s time to shape up!

By Colleen Loggins

Why can’t you keep me entertained? Producers, please allow the designers to have more challenges where they can make outfits out of actual fabric. I mean, how often are these people going to have to make an ensemble out of car parts once they leave the runway? Heidi, if you are going to wear Rami Kashou all the time, why didn’t he win last season? Let’s try not to make that mistake again. I know Christian Siriano won because of his fierce personality, but this is not a popularity contest; this is a serious fashion competition.

Dear Kenley,

You are a #@*&*. What on earth happened to that likeable, cool, talented designer who knew how to make a killer 1940s style dress? Well, I suppose you can still make a great pin-up girl outfit, but can you make anything else? Obviously, you truly lucked out last week when you got the miniature version of yourself to design yet another 1940s style dress (albeit this time with an ugly vest and nude belt that made the poor girl look like she was showing her midriff from far away). But tell me, Kenley, what made you decide to shorten the tulle at the bottom? Was it the fact that Tim Gunn advised you to do so? Wait, I thought that Tim Gunn did not know what he was talking about. In fact, I thought that not one single soul on the show had any sense of fashion besides you, and you were the greatest in all the land, and everyone could kiss your (1940s) stylish butt while you ruled over fashion land with your snide remarks, whiny voice and evil cackle. Kenley, you need to be “aufed” (as in “auf wiedersehen”) simply for being a horrible person. And stop rolling your eyes whenever you don’t win. It is most unbecoming.

Dear Suede,

For the love of all that is good and holy, stop referring to yourself in the third person. You are not as smooth as the material whose name you bear. It is incredibly obnoxious, and Colleen cannot stand it.

P.S. Suede, you didn’t convince the girl that pants would not go with your material for the last challenge; you just can’t make pants.

Dear Nina Garcia,

Were you or were you not fired from Elle as Us Weekly reported in April? I’ve noticed that you still write an editorial for them every month or so, but do you actually work there? What exactly do you do as the Elle editor-at-large? If you were fired, you should say: Good riddance to you, Elle. I don’t need you. I am a judge on Project Freaking Runway, and all I have to do is sit there and tell people their clothes are hideous while glaring daggers at anyone who tries to argue with me! Especially that Kenley chick.

Yet, it seems as if Project Runway producers don’t want you unless you have the name attached. Wait a second. They bribed the people at Elle to keep the name of the magazine attached to you, didn’t they! Write back and let me know!

Korto,

Do you have a personality? I am inclined to believe that you do, but perhaps are hiding it to avoid making a fool of yourself on TV. You are a tricky one.

Leanne,

I’m glad that your personality has started to come out, and I think that Scorpio dress was amazing. It definitely should have won, or at least been in the top. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a Scorpio. I hope your newfound personality has a catty side and you will soon say something mean about Kenley. You know she totally deserves it, and I heard she thinks yo mama is fat.

Jerrell,

Keep up the good work; you are turning into a creative and talented designer. I also liked your feathered hat. Please make more elaborate headdresses. There are a lot of people at the University of Illinois that like those.

Love,

Colleen

Colleen is a senior in Media and knows who is going to Bryant Park! Probably. She can be reached at [email protected]