Who says you can’t live glamorously during an economic recession?

By Colleen Loggins

With the economy looking as ugly as Nick Nolte’s infamous DUI photo, it is hard to imagine spending ridiculous amounts of money on frivolous items. But in our country, there will always be those who have more money than they know what to do with.

Let’s pretend we aren’t all poor college students and instead are famous rock stars/movie stars/models/Arabian sheiks…etc. with copious amounts of money to spend. Personally, I believe I would make a fantastic New York socialite.

Obviously, we are so loaded that we have basically everything, so what exactly do we spend our walking-around money on – say, a couple thousand dollars?

Let’s begin our evening in my fabulous playground, New York City, where we’ll go out to dinner at Sofrito and dine on a scrumptious $1,000 paella. The paella includes some very expensive ingredients: truffles and truffle oil, baby eel, octopus, Maine lobster and Alaskan prawns. Chef Ricardo Cardona recently said to the New York Daily News, “Who said, ‘recession’? Who said ‘bad economy’? … If you have the money to spend then why not enjoy yourself?”

Well said, my friend. Don’t get mad at us, you lowly plebeians. We are rich, and therefore entitled to do whatever we want. And, by eating the paella, we are actually benefiting the world because 20 percent of the proceeds from the dish go to charity. So there!

Who cares if the dish costs no more than $200 to make and the restaurant is likely making over $600 in profit? We’re still helping people, and staying fabulous. Actually, seeing as how some of the ingredients come from Spain and Italy, and we’ve decided to stay at home rather than fly to Europe to eat this popular dish, we’re even saving money. So this turns out to be a win-win purchase for everyone.

After dinner, we’ll head on over to Serendipity 3 and order the Golden Opulence Sundae – the sundae that lets you eat actual gold (only commoners wear it) and only costs another $1,000.

According to CNN, this sundae is made with five scoops of the richest Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream infused with Madagascar vanilla and covered in 23 carat edible gold leaf. It is drizzled with the world’s most expensive chocolate, Amedei Porceleana and covered with chunks of rare Chuao chocolate.

It is then infused with candied fruits, gold-covered almonds, chocolate truffles and marzipan cherries and topped with a dollop of sweet Grande Passion caviar, served with a mother of pearl spoon and a gilded sugar flower. We just have to be sure to make a reservation 48 hours in advance to allow the restaurant time to prepare the dish. But what better way to do this than with our awesome iPhones? Because we are so wonderful, we will obviously be one of the eight people who bought the iPhone “I Am Rich” application for $999.99 that lets everyone know just how special we are.

You know, the one that features a glowing red gem that sits on the phone and has the subtext, “I Am Rich.” I’m glad Apple invented a way for us to let others know how rich we are. It’s a good thing that Apple pulled this application from their store because now, no one else can have it!

After we have eaten our fill of gold, we’ll go to New York’s classiest strip joint, VIP Strip Club, to take advantage of their new $1,000 promotion that includes a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne, caviar (yes, we rich people just can’t get enough caviar), a half-hour lap dance in a private room and a signed G-string from the entertainer of your choice.

The strip club even guarantees no more than four ugly girls in the joint, which is quite relieving because I simply can’t stand it when the girls are uggos.

Finally, after our long evening of hedonistic reveling, we will be tired and will need our beauty sleep. So it’s off to our homes to lather on the most expensive skin care cream, Cellular Cream Platinum Rare by La Prarie, at $1,000 for a 1.7 ounce jar. We will also need to stay hydrated if we want to be beautiful, and so we’ll have to drink from our $100 bottle of water, Fillico Beverly Hills.

RRRIIIIINNGG. What was that? Oh no! It’s an alarm clock and it means that all of this has been a dream. How sad.

Colleen is a senior in Media and now knows that Arrested Development’s Lindsay got a great deal with her $400 face cream made with real diamonds. She can be reached at [email protected]