Column: Joaquin Phoenix stars in a great ruse

Joaquin Phoenix waves to the audience from The Late Show with David Letterman, in New York on Wednesday. The Associated Press

Joaquin Phoenix waves to the audience from “The Late Show with David Letterman,” in New York on Wednesday. The Associated Press

By Colleen Loggins

Oh, Joaquin. I can’t believe that you, one of the seemingly more grounded people in Hollywood and one of the best actors, are going crazy.

Because that’s what’s happening, isn’t it? Every time someone utters the phrase, “Have you heard what Joaquin Phoenix did?” I cringe because lately it hasn’t been anything good.

Like the time you fell off the stage in Vegas while performing your new “rap” song.

Or the time when you appeared on “Letterman” and didn’t quite seem to understand that everyone was making fun of you. Or the time when you got pissed off at Dave and stuck gum on his desk because you didn’t like that he was mocking you.

Or the time on “Letterman” when you got pissed off at band leader, Paul Shaffer, who implied that you wouldn’t be able to explain the clip from your new movie, “Two Lovers,” because you weren’t all that with it. I think he, like the rest of us, thought you were coked-up out of your mind. I believe you asked if that guy was “****ing kidding” and if he was “serious with the maniacal laughter.” Basically, “Letterman” was a tad bit awkward to watch, though quite funny.

And Joaquin, why are you sporting the mountain man beard and unwashed hair look? It’s really not fair to society that such an attractive man has to look like Grizzly Adams. What is wrong with you, Joaquin?

But wait … is something actually wrong with you? Or are you perhaps pulling off the greatest ruse of all time? Are you acting mentally unbalanced because you want to play a joke on the media? That must be it! Why else would a fabulous actor who has everything going for him, resort to becoming a drugged-up “rap” star? You played Johnny Cash, not Biggie Smalls.

Well, bravo, Joaquin, well played. You fooled me. You’ve even fooled some of the more brilliant members of our society. Take Paul, for instance. He posted on the Reuters blog, “Fan Fare”: “I don’t think he was acting. I think he’s losing it. If he’s on a low fat diet or has vitamin B12 deficiency, he could be suffering from mental illness.” Genius, Paul, utter genius. At least, that’s what I thought at first. I mean, isn’t everyone in Hollywood on a low fat diet and suffering from a B12 deficiency?

But that’s what Joaquin wants you to think. That’s how good he is at acting. After he pulls this off, he will be considered the greatest actor ofall time. He’s attempting to personally one-up Andy Kaufman’s career of confounding audiences with “Is it real or not?”

One little warning Joaquin, be careful. Everybody knows that acting is what got Team America World Police member Gary’s brother killed that day he went to the zoo with blueberries in his pocket. If Gary hadn’t been acting, he wouldn’t have fallen into the gorilla habitat, forcing his brother to jump in after to save him, and the gorillas would have never known about the blueberries in his pocket and they wouldn’t have beaten him to death before the zoo keepers could gas them all. Acting can hurt people, Joaquin.

Colleen is a senior in Media and she is counting down the days to Unofficial. She can be reached at [email protected]