On Election Night, everything went just as planned.

We all know the GOP out-Democrated the Democrats on voter turnout and handed a mandate (yes, a 3.5 million popular-vote majority is a mandate) to the president of the United States, all while boosting numbers in the U.S. Senate, the U.S. House and booting the two-faced obstructionist minority leader. It was the perfect storm.

After glancing Thursday morning at the leftist mourners in The New York Times editorial page, the nation can now identify Sen. John Kerry’s following and see what he would have turned this nation into.

“New Yorkers are more sophisticated and at a level of consciousness where we realize we have to think of globalization, of one mankind,” said Dr. Zito Joseph, a Manhattan double-latte liberal.

Another New York liberal apologist described Midwesterners as “very 1950s. When I go back there, I feel like I’m in a time warp.”

If this is a time warp, then maybe time should stop all together.

As chain-smoking liberals on each coast (and sadly enough, Chicago) head for consolation at their all-organic, wheat-free, vegetarian coffee shops, I can’t help but thank the 51 percent of voting Americans who saw the failures of the Liberal Party (formerly the Democratic Party).

If you voted for President Bush, congratulations: You are the ultimate winner.

You understand that “social progression” really means “moral erosion.” It comes as no shock to you that policies yielding a safe homeland and booming economy are rewarded with re-election. You’re not surprised that the French are disappointed at our national decision. In fact, it makes you happy. So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, because today, we salute you, Mr. Republican Voter.

And by morality, I don’t mean the Democrats’ misunderstood definition, including reformed health care and an anti-war stance. Voters told the Democratic Party that the moral compass of this nation points away from homosexual marriage and toward a significant Christian influence in our government and our lives. We are a center-right nation that identifies more closely with Turkey than we do France – and this is OK.

But the Dems just don’t get it. They pretended to believe in God and they pretended to love this country, but in the end, their charade couldn’t hold up. To paraphrase President Ronald Reagan, I don’t think the Democrats are ignorant; they just know so much that isn’t so. They know that “U.S. citizens want same-sex marriage legalized.” They know our “economy isn’t recovering.” They know the “war in Iraq was a mistake.” I know they are completely out of power for four more years because Republicans obviously have been doing something right. With a few exceptions, the Republicans have dominated American politics since 1968.

Worms such as Howard Dean and Al Sharpton, who eat their way through the rotting apple that has become their party, said the answer to last Tuesday’s failure is to move even further to the left. What confuses me the most is that after last week’s trouncing, coastal liberals have the gall to suggest that Midwesterners are bigots, or that Midwesterners are closed-minded. This is the same image John Kerry projected while floating around on his yacht and sucking caviar. But, I suppose, the longer they remain out of touch with true American values, the longer the Republican Party will dominate every election. Extremists call this fascism. I call it guaranteed security from terrorism, sound economic policy and a protected national moral fabric.

Beverly Camhe, a Kerry supporter in New York, said: “If the heartland feels so alienated from us, then it behooves us to wrap our arms around the heartland. We need to bring our way of life, which is honoring diversity and having compassion for people with different lifestyles, on a trip around the country.”

Bev, the heartland says keep the freak show on Fifth Avenue. We’ll come and snap pictures.

Chuck Prochaska is a sophomore in LAS. His forum will return Monday. He can be reached at [email protected].