After three and a half years on this campus, I have learned many things. Of course, there are the obligatory lessons on Shakespeare and the Cold War. But aside from those unimportant facts, I also became an expert on a little something I like to call Guy-ology.

There are many guys on the Quad these days, and they sometimes can be hard to read. Because it’s finals week and most of us are reading enough as it is, I have broken these men down into four simple categories:

Pain McSorrow – As an English major, I have had many close encounters with this species. Pain McSorrow is a brooding lad who fancies himself as a deep, dark, emotional guy. He usually can be seen wearing dark colors and purposely ugly clothing, generally topped off with a wool scarf and a Parliament cigarette. He often makes cynical and sarcastic remarks about “society” and “the idiots on this campus” – all while secretly checking out his reflection in a nearby mirror. His known habitat is smoky coffee shops, like Cafe Paradiso, and he will generally quote Bright Eyes or Tool on his away messages. This kid is in pain, people, and boy does he love it. If you want to hook up with him, be prepared for his emotional outbursts and his wandering eyes. After all, he’s just too deep to be monogamous for long.

Frat McAbercrombie – Frat McAbercrombie can be identified by his Hollister sweatshirt, Corona visor and by the Greek lettering on his flip-flops. McAbercrombie generally hangs out at KAM’s and C.O’s, but he also can be seen at Station. McAbercrombie most likely is from the Chicagoland area, and even if he isn’t, he pretends to be. He usually majors in sports management or perhaps business. McAbercrombie loves Maxim, The Man Show and Adam Sandler movies. If you want to date him, be prepared to be on his back burner. Even if he only shows up for the final exam, he still is busy every night, generally engaging in homoerotic Taps with his frat bros.

Chi-Town McGoombah – We should consider ourselves lucky because McGoombah is only found in his natural state in the central Illinois area. McGoombah also claims to be from Chicago, even though he most likely lives an hour away. He also pretends to be Italian, even if his last name is MacMorris. He can be identified by his unseasonable tan, his unnaturally white teeth, his wife beaters and by the silver or gold chains around his neck. McGoombah goes to any and all bars, but he usually is seen on the streets fighting with another McGoombah over who gets to take home Miss McGoombah. If you are lucky enough to snag a McGoombah, be prepared to hear him repeat “Fugettaboutit!,” “Do it, Do it,” and “Lil’ bit” ad nauseum.

Townie McPotHead – McPotHead, as his name suggests, can be recognized by his bowl and his vintage Mr. T-shirts. McPotHead might have at one time attended the University, but now he works at Silver Mine Subs and hangs out on his balcony or in his basement all day. McPotHead usually is in a shroomy haze, and his primary passion is Burger King spicy chicken sandwiches. This guy is too stoned to date, but if you are looking for an unimpressive three minutes in a room that smells like the inside of a pirate’s leg, McPotHead is your man.

Of course, some might claim that my list is a little biased. Some might even accuse me of being a bitter man-hater. But those people probably fall in one of these four groups.

And for those who feel their lame ex-boyfriend was skipped over, I’m sorry, but I ran out of room. Stay tuned for part two next semester.