Column: Facebook’s finest

Tim Eggerding

Tim Eggerding

By Jon Monteith

Welcome to Thefacebook. For those who have still managed to evade the grasp of this devastating Internet addiction, Thefacebook is “an online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges.” I joined Thefacebook thinking it would give me something to do, but naturally it began to piss me off. It seems that the ignorance of certain college students extends to online social networks. Just take a look at some of the groups that Facebook members have created and joined, and vomit will instantaneously spew out of your mouth.

We’ll begin with the Hot Republicans Club. According to the group description, “There is a misconception that Republicans are Rich Fat Ugly Men… well we’re here to prove otherwise!!” Are you kidding me? I decided to see how accurate the group’s mission statement was, and a good portion of the members are actually unattractive. I’d say the same about a Hot Democrats Club if it were true, so don’t give me any crap about being biased. Before joining this group, prospective members should be required to take a good look in the mirror and be completely honest with themselves. That way, it might not be so tragically inaccurate.

One could argue that I’m being too hard on this group, but think again. People who truly believe they are hot enough to start their own Facebook group cannot really have souls. And this group isn’t even a joke, like the “Really Ridiculously Good Looking People” club, which was inspired by the movie Zoolander. If people are so hard up for an ego trip, why can’t they just have their parents buy them a modeling portfolio, like everyone else? Don’t infiltrate Thefacebook with genuine narcissism!

Equally embarrassing is a group by the name of “Meat Eaters.” I’m not complaining that people are proud of eating meat – that’s fine with me. What irritates me is the group description: “We hate and descriminate (sic) against vegetarians and generally group them up with hippy liberals.”

That’s one of the trashiest mission statements I’ve ever heard in my life. First of all, grouping eating habits with political ideology is a rather pathetic way to attack a group of people. Though there may be a mild correlation between thinking liberally and actually caring about animals – or anything other than oneself – there are many meat-eating Democrats and conservative vegetarians out there.

To those who came up with the Meat Eaters group description: correlation does not equal causation, morons. Would it be fair of me to say that meat eaters are automatically stupid just because one or two of them can’t spell discriminate? If you ever find yourself choking on a piece of steak and desperately need medical attention, don’t look in my direction. I’m just a reckless flower child. I’m far too busy rejecting the conventional standards and customs of society to be of any service.

Eating meat makes a lot more sense. According to the Yale College Vegetarian Society, if Americans were to reduce their meat consumption by only 10 percent, every one of the 60 million human beings that starve to death on this planet would be adequately fed. But who cares, right? Those hippie idiots over at Yale probably made up that bogus statistic. Oh, and the massive deforestation and wasteful feeding of grain and corn to livestock? That’s probably just a leftist conspiracy too.

Do people have the right to create whatever groups they want on Thefacebook? Of course they do. I’m in a group called “Eating Babies for Fun and Profit,” for Christ’s sake. I simply wanted to share some of the humorously inaccurate statements that are made when students take advantage of their right to free speech. So congratulations, all you gorgeous (not so much) Republicans and earth-hating carnivores: the First Amendment is on your side, even if the truth is not.

Jon Monteith is a sophomore in LAS. His column appears on Thursdays. He can be reached at [email protected]