In response to no-tolerance policies in public schools, Texas State Sen. Jon Lindsay is trying to pass a bill that will require that students “knowingly and willingly commit an offense” before they can be punished. Many states could use this re-evaluation of their strict no-tolerance policies.

I’m sure most of you can still remember the 6-year-old boy who was expelled from school for kissing a classmate because of his school’s no-tolerance policy on sexual harassment. Where were these sexual harassment policies when I was forced to do pushups while wearing a dress in front of leering 13-year-old boys and one 45-year-old man (just kidding Mr. Talley. I’m of age now *wink*)? Today it seems as though no-tolerance policies have become utterly ridiculous.

In Texas a 13-year-old girl was suspended from school because she packed a butter knife in her lunch. She had done so because her braces prevented her from biting into an apple. I suppose she didn’t cut the apple at home because she didn’t want it to get all brown and gross. Why they didn’t take her out and shoot her, I don’t know. Although it was her first offense and no threat of violence was involved, the girl was suspended from school. Her father later stated that a letter from administrators revealed that she possessed “exemplary behavior and high academic standing.”

Stories from around the country have been surfacing for years; children suspended and expelled for possession of harmless items such as a bottle of Midol and fingernail clippers. Apparently, there is no room in our schools for menstrual cramp relief and kempt fingernails, yet there is for useless crap like math and science. I was never good at such trifles and now I am living the glamorous life of a professional writer.

Unfortunately for two third-graders from Florida, the only thing they will be writing is letters to their lawyer from prison.

The third-graders were handcuffed and charged with second-degree felonies for drawing a picture containing stick figure depictions of themselves stabbing another student. Aside from being painfully bad artists, these boys are definitely disturbed. They probably should have been suspended from school, but instead they were arrested for an offense adults can’t even get in trouble for.

The worst thing about no-tolerance policies is that they do not take into account the child’s age or prior history because God forbid an administrator might actually have to make a decision. Because of my high school’s no-tolerance policy I was unduly punished for my first offense.

My freshman year in high school a girl didn’t seem to like that I was dating her hood rat friend’s ex-boyfriend and also didn’t like my haircut – it was too “dyke-y.” I noticed that she was ginormously fat and replied something like “fat girl on a diet, don’t try it,” because even at the age of 14 I was gifted in verse. A scuffle ensued, but I did not hit the girl, which she admitted in the principal’s office. Even though I had never been in trouble before, I was given three days of in-school suspension for pushing her off of me. I should have been given a medal, she was huge.

I was subsequently sent to a private school where I met other literary greats such as the DI’s own Bridget Sharkey, a move I feel will be studied by scholars in years to come.

Sadly, some students who have been punished by no-tolerance policies are forced to go to “alternative” schools. These schools have questionable standards and often stigmatize kids – not that my private school didn’t, but it had cute uniforms and an open campus.

I hope that state-legislatures will take into account the innumerable instances of unnecessarily harsh punishments because too many aspects of school are unnecessary, harsh and punishing as it is.