They’re back … and more ridiculous than ever. Back in September, I did my best to warn fellow students about a growing problem on this campus. “Book smarts” may get people admitted to this fine school, but these standards alone fail to account for the trashiness and stupidity often demonstrated in the behavior of otherwise academically successful students.

What can we do about it? Nothing, really, except gather ’round the campfire and share our tales of unfortunate encounters with Illini imbeciles. If we can’t beat ’em, we don’t necessarily have to join ’em. We can simply use their ignorant remarks to make us feel better about our own shortcomings – a form of downward social comparison, if you will. At the very least, we can laugh at them.

For example, Tuesday in class I encountered a flock of Illini imbeciles. We were doing an in-class group assignment, and one group was told to create and describe a new country. After several minutes of rigorous brainstorming, the boys in this group came up with their country – it was called the “United States 2,” and it was different from our current country in that “they kicked all the fat people out.”

Now, I don’t want any crap about being the “politically correct police.” Sure, the comment might have been moderately amusing to some, and I’m not so tragically serious that I can’t recognize that. However, balance this half-joke with the fact that there were probably a number of people in this class with body image issues, and it was actually quite stupid of the guys who made the joke.

Is it really that hard to understand? Know your surroundings before you open your mouth. Getting the class to snicker at your comments is hardly worth making someone feel incredibly self-conscious about their weight. I don’t think these guys really meant to hurt anyone’s feelings – they’re probably just like the other aspiring comedians all over the campus whose attempted jokes make their peers groan. But people should have the ability to know when their remarks might be perceived as offensive. Then again, Illini imbeciles are a unique breed – perhaps tact is not part of their genetic makeup.

Who knows, you might even be living right next to an Illini imbecile. Such was the fate of two of my dearest friends on campus. They reside in such close proximity to an Illini Imbecile that it regularly affects their daily lives. For instance, this individual was over at their place one day, talking about a gift she was going to buy for her boyfriend. Normally, when I think of things one might buy for a significant other, images of boxes of chocolate or red roses come to mind. Apparently, however, Illini imbeciles have their own special idea of what is romantic – “I think I’m gonna get him a knife or whatever. So if anyone tries to mess with him, he can just stab them or whatever.”

I am not kidding. This was her actual suggestion. When I first heard this story, I refused to believe it, but it was confirmed by a number of individuals. This is by far the most idiotic comment I have heard anyone make at this school. Hey, darling, ready to go to class? Just a moment, honey, I need to get my knife – someone on the Quad might try to mess with me today. Is anyone else scared right now?

So, you see, regardless of our “commitment to academic excellence,” a movement is on the rise within the University community. Everywhere you turn, an Illini imbecile stands in your path. From the stupidly entertaining to the outright terrifying, these individuals can have a profound impact on your college experience. And with all the fun I have making fun of these morons, I have to wonder why the University isn’t charging us for the extra entertainment