It’s the Energizer Bunny of issues at the U of I. It shows up everywhere from sports events to T-shirts to politics. Of course, it’s the issue of our mascot, the honorable/racist Chief Illiniwek.

There are three basic stances on the Chief issue. The “The Chief must live on, or else the level of tradition and honor at this school will disappear” stance. The “The Chief is racist and makes me want to cry” stance. Finally the “What? Who cares?” stance. This last stance is probably the one that most students take.

Usually the pro-Chief and anti-Chief stances are adequately argued, but the apathetic stance hardly, if ever, is. However, there is a solution.

We take the biggest complaints of both sides and get rid of them, and then put together what’s left. The pro-Chief camp is happy, the anti-Chief camp is happy, and the apathetic camp is happy, because what’s left turns out to be the more exciting than finding a $20 bill on the sidewalk.

Say goodbye to Chief Illiniwek and hello to Farmbot, the U of I’s new robot mascot. Built right here in the north quad and fully stocked with corn from the Morrow Plots, Farmbot will come to the big game and pump up the crowd in style.

Imagine it’s right after the end of the first half at the Illinois-Michigan game. It’s tied 14-14 and our 17th-year senior quarterback just made a sweet touchdown pass. The crowd is going crazy, jumping up and down and screaming their lungs out. The band starts blasting the fight song, and out of the locker room comes running Farmbot.

Farmbot streaks out to the fifty-yard line and scans the crowd. It sees the big guy in the third row with his shirt off and a giant blue “I” painted on him. He’s clearly cheering his heart out, but he looks tired and could use some regeneration.

Bam! Farmbot locks in and shoots a hot corn on the cob straight from the Morrow Plots at the fan. As it’s flying through the air, it’s infused with melted butter mixed with seasonings shot out of Farmbot’s robot nipples. The fan reaches up and grabs the yellow jewel out of the air and chows down, re-energizing him for the second half of the game.

Farmbot then turns to the rest of the crowd and starts doing The Robot, his patented dance, while shooting bottle rockets out of his Abe Lincoln hat. The crowd goes wild and they all start doing the new school dance, The Robot. Then Farmbot revs up his jetpack and starts flying around the crowd with the exhaust from the jetpack heating up kernels and spraying popcorn out for everyone. By the end of this spectacle the crowd is so pumped up that Memorial Stadium itself is starting to shake.

Farmbot is the best of both worlds. Farmbot ends the alleged racism of the Chief, but still keeps much of the U of I’s honor and tradition in him. Farmbot is built by our longstanding and honorable engineering program and is stocked full of corn from the Morrow Plots, the world’s oldest experimental field and part of the agriculture department, what our school was founded on.

Not only does Farmbot end the Chief debate, it makes a whole new level of excitement for those who are apathetic toward the school’s varsity sports. Farmbot combines four of the most exciting elements there are – robots, projectiles, explosions and flying.

If there is one way to stop wasting everyone’s time with the Chief debate, it’s to install a new mascot that keeps the same ideals as the Chief, but is not seen as racist by those who may be offended. Clearly this is the best solution for a school that is divided when it should be united eating fresh corn on the cob.