Column: When PBR doesn’t cut it

By Chris Kozak

Like many college students, I know very little about wine. So little, in fact that the extent of my knowledge is summed up in one sentence: I’m pretty sure that the good stuff comes in a bottle, and the cheap stuff comes from a box. Luckily, there are many people our age who don’t find themselves in a similar situation. My wine IQ is far surpassed by a number of other students – particularly, those who attend tiny Colby College in Waterville, Maine.

Colby offers a Friday evening course to students 21 and older on the appreciation of wine and beer. During the evening, students typically enjoy a full dinner while drinking and learning about featured beverages from around the world. The course not only prepares students for real world social situations by educating them on proper drink selections for certain foods, but it also creates a controlled environment that emphasizes drinking in moderation and not excess – a concern for every college.

Students who attend the class say they have a new appreciation for wine. They say it’s advantageous to know the differences between say, a sauvignon, a chardonnay and a pinot noir. For me, learning about the wines would be nice, though I’d need to take a step back and work on the pronunciation first. But hey, anything with peanuts sounds good to me.

One of the most useful aspects of the class, however, is that many of the students say they’re no longer intimidated by wine as much as they used to be.

Last weekend, I had my own intimidation experience while attending a surprise birthday party at a suburban Chicago country club. I was asked the question I hoped I’d never have to answer: “What type of wine do you want, sir?” The luster of being called “sir” quickly wore off when I realized I had no answer for the waitress. Luckily, I was sitting at a table with my cousins, who are also in their twenties, so I didn’t think I could make that much of an ass of myself with whatever I ordered. After explaining to the server three times that yes, believe it or not, I am over 21 – a question they could have asked BEFORE asking me my wine preference – I decided to order what everyone else at the table got: a glass of something colored red.

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The wine flowed into my glass like some kind of mystical waterfall. I felt so classy. That is, until I swirled the glass too hard and some of my drink came flying out, splashing down on the pristine, white tablecloth. It’s a good thing I could move my dinner plate over a few inches to cover up that little mess.

I suppose now is the best time to experience an embarrassing situation like this because there will almost certainly come a day when each of us eats at a fancy place with a client or with family and friends, and we will be asked what type of wine we want with dinner. And it’s just a hunch, but I’d assume answers like, “Uhh, something red” and “No wine for me; gimme a Busch Light tallboy” will probably get you laughed right out of the restaurant. This is why it’s important to get our vineyard education up to speed.

The University’s Department of Food Science and Human Nutrition used to offer a seminar course in wine appreciation but no longer does because the professor who ran the course doesn’t teach here anymore. We should have at least a basic understanding of the appropriate wine options for particular dishes and it would be a good idea for the University to offer this course or one like it again.

Someday I’d like to be able to confidently tell the waitress I want a fine cabernet with whatever meal you typically order something like that with. I’d also like to get my swirling technique down – turning one white tablecloth into something that could be mistaken for evidence at a crime scene is enough.