Column: What were you thinking?

By Bridget Sharkey

As rather drunken students on a rather drunken campus, it is not uncommon to run into people who are a part of the Facebook “What was I thinking?” group. We have all made those drunken mistakes, those sober mistakes, and those half-drunk, half-sober, half-disoriented from weed mistakes.

Thus, in honor of leaving this fine and tree-lined campus, I thought I would pay homage to the mistakes of the year:

1. On top of this list has to be yet another round of student government elections. After four years of wondering to myself “Who are these people, and what do they actually govern?” I have had the opportunity to meet a few of them. Most of them are self-involved, dangerously arrogant white men who want to pad their resume and rule the world. It is a good thing they are only fake-governing us, or something tells me that we might soon we celebrating “Protestantasia” day or “In ten years I will be cheating on my wife and living the life of Christian Bale in American Psycho” day. If the only thing that will ever be accomplished is back-and-forth whining about the Chief, than maybe, just maybe we should use those offices for other more important things. Like curling. Or mattress ticking.

2. Second on the list is the way the police handled the so-called “riots” during the Final Four. I don’t know why the police all view us as blood-thirsty peasants watching Gladiator matches, because I for one do not know of anyone who wanted to set fire to One World Pizza “just to watch it burn, man” (Although my fellow columnist, Elizabeth Aleman, certainly showed a broken umbrella and the side of a wall how she felt about the game). I mean, if you want us to behave like adults, maybe you shouldn’t start rushing people just because they are drunkenly ambling home. I know some cops get off harassing “stupid college kids” but my friend Nicole Mrjenovich really is 21 years old. So stop shining a flashlight in her eyes to check her eye color. After all, I am sure Mrs. Police Officer will have a nice can of Beef Lasagna warmed up for you when you get home.

3. Next on the list is how people have been handling the “Brad & Jen” break-up. You might wonder what this has to do with you, but actually it involves you quite a lot. The advent of “I will have your baby, Brad” T-shirts may be kitschy, but Jen is essentially being punished because she wanted to focus on her career. Just because Angelina Jolie loves to suckle babies with those huge breasts of hers does not mean that Brad should have left his wife for her. It is 2005, and the men still get to decide what happens when in a relationship. If that’s not a mistake, I don’t know what is.

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4. The next biggest mistake of this school year is Bill O’Reilly getting off the hook for his sexual harassment. When you are trying to hide taped phone calls, there is definitely something fishy going on. And not in a good way. However, he still walks around doing his “I have a hit news program” bit and no one seems to care. I for one, say, “Put your foot down, America.” If we have to watch perverts talk about the news, let’s have it be Michael Ian Black, and not a wrinkled tortoise head.

5. The final mistake of the year is people talking about their finals. People writing about their finals on AIM. People crying over their finals on the bus. Here’s a thought: Shut up. We all have finals to do. I didn’t come out to the bar to hear you whine to your friend about your 8 a.m. History exam. Move over and let me drink my sorrows away in peace.

On that note, have fun your last week here…it might be your last chance to be young and stupid.