State of the fridge address: The Dubya’s war on food

By Andrew Mason

The following may or may not be a recovered document sitting in the desk drawer of a White House speech writer:

Good evening. I come to you tonight to discuss a very serious issue that is of great concern to my administration. Most of you are aware that recently Great Britain foiled a terrorist plot that aimed to bring down several commercial airliners bound for the United States. The explosives that were to be used were hidden in common drink containers. Therefore, as a precaution the Department of Homeland Security and the Federal Aviation Administration have placed a ban on all liquids on flights.

I will be honest with you. Our country is under threat constantly from threats both foreign and domestic. But in that same spirit of honesty, I say to you tonight that we are winning the war on terror. It is in this spirit that I announce a brand new front on homeland defense. But the country needs your help.

Tomorrow I will officially extend the ban on liquids to include other foods that pose a threat to our national security.

Pixie stix are a part of our nation’s heritage but unfortunately they resemble the line of gunpowder that frequently leads to a bomb, as our American symbol of persistence and newly appointed deputy national security advisor Wile E. Coyote can attest.

Cans of spinach will be confiscated at security gates because consumption of this nutritious vegetable can result in sudden angry outbursts and uncontrollable violence.

Any person attempting to bring cake aboard a plane will be asked to leave. The reason for this measure is that no matter whether it is a store bought cake or homemade, cake can be used to conceal sharp objects like a nail file, knives, box cutters and hacksaws.

Starting tomorrow, ALL watermelons and cantaloupes will be checked for concealed dynamite.

The popular loophole in the fluids ban allowing all quantities of orange soda to be brought aboard will be closed, pending further study. The U.S. government still actively encourages consumption of orange soda, but not in the skies above us.

Our intelligence has found that terrorist organizations like al-Qaida have tried to buy significant quantities of bananas from Africa. These bananas could be the first step in building a weapon of mass destruction of their own. The worst case scenario is a terrorist distributing hundreds and hundreds of banana peels in the country’s air terminals, runways and planes in an attempt to cause massive slippage on an unimaginable scale.

The ban will also be expanded to cover the many varieties of cheeses that have an incomprehensible power over us.

All Klondike bars will be removed from checked baggage because they trigger abnormal behaviors that may pose a threat to the passengers and the crew.

Finally, the one edible product that threatens our national security most will be destroyed on sight. The salty, twisty, delectable delights known as pretzels will no longer be endorsed by this government. They are notorious for causing choking, involuntary convulsions, blackouts, loss of motor skills and in some case studies have been shown to decrease proficiency in the English language. They will no longer be tolerated under my administration.

All this will be done in the name of protecting America. We will confront the terrorists in our airports before they attack us again. We will fight them in the grocery stores. We will fight them in the farmer’s markets of the world. We will fight them in the delis, the bistros, the cafes, the diners, the cafeterias and the hot dog carts. With God as my witness we will fight them in the food courts of every mall in the world.

Our country is in a difficult time. With the men and women of our armed forces fighting the terrorists where they live and bringing democracy to Iraq, it is up to individual Americans to remain on the alert for all caloric threats. Keep on flying and go about your business but remember to remain vigilant. Our national security depends on it.

Good night and may God continue to bless America.