Questions for the young, jaded voter

By Andrew Mason

I had an absentee ballot in my hand, and I was looking at it. Nothing but questions ran through my head. I figured many people have a lot of unanswered questions about the election today. These were mine.

  • Why are we supposed to care what party the county sheriff is? What about District 4 road commissioner? Is there a Republican way to get those dumb kids to turn their [email protected]*&$(! Music down? Is there a Democratic way to fill a pothole?
  • Is it possible to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired? If yes, what party does this make you?
  • What’s so great about being the “big tent” party? Tents are usually poorly put together and are susceptible to strong wind gusts. You can take a tent apart and pitch it somewhere else where it’s more comfortable. Give me a spacious house on some high ground.
  • > How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Mark Foley?
  • One politician votes for the war in Iraq and another politician doesn’t. Who’s weak on defense? Bonus points if you phrase your response in the form of a question.
  • Do college students avoid voting because they feel like they’re filling out a Scantron for a final they didn’t study for?
  • Do you pick the winners of sporting events based on the mascots? If yes, who would win between a donkey, an elephant and the color Green?
  • The Dow Jones Industrial average rose to over 12,000 points last week, a new record. Your tuition bill for this University reaches a new record every year. Which means more to you?
  • If you’re trapped in a burning building and only have time to save one thing do you choose to save your dog, or a petri dish of stem cells? The clock is ticking.
  • In your opinion, which is more likely to happen, bringing back the draft or fully paying off the national debt?
  • You can play the race card or you can over-play your hand. Which is worse in electoral politics? What about the real world?
  • Which is more vital to our nation: A law banning sodomy or a law banning gay marriage?
  • Which is more feasible: Universal gun ownership or universal health care?
  • How much more money could politicians raise for their campaigns if they raised the minimum wage?
  • What would motivate college students to vote more: Lowering tuition or lowering the legal drinking age?
  • Are Rod Blagoveich and Judy Barr Topinka really the best we can do?
  • Is the Urbana resolution denouncing the war in Iraq worth the paper it’s printed on? If yes, I have some real estate you might be interested in.
  • Does it matter how big Democrats’ mouths are if their feet are always stuck in them?
  • How many pieces of significant legislation will the Democrats pass if they retake Congress? What if Republicans retain control? Can you use more than one hand to count them?
  • If the percentage increase of aid this University received last year was less then the rate of inflation, is it really an increase? Is it possible to have only half a hole in the ground?
  • Does Osama bin Laden really care who is Chairman of the House Ways and Means committee?
  • Why does it look like our electoral districts were drawn by crayon-wielding 3-year-old off his Ritalin?
  • Which is our country more dependent on: Foreign oil or British reality shows?
  • Do Republicans care more about lowering taxes on the rich or banning flag burning?
  • Do Democrats care more about impeaching President Bush or impeaching Vice-President Cheney?
  • Can you name the candidates running for office in this district?
  • If you’ve got the answers for these questions, I’d love to hear them. If nothing else, put this column on your fridge and think about them. I think the biggest question is: Is it really any wonder that most college kids hate politics?