If only we had the decency and time

This soberness, my friend, wouldn’t be a crime.

We would sit by the Union and watch a squirrel,

Passing our long day without thought of a hurl.

You by the red-bricked side of Noyes Laboratory,

Should drink chocolate milk; I on Foellinger’s steps

Would read a story

Of when we walked without fear of drunks,

And chants of Little John’s anthem “Let’s get crunk.”

And you should, if you really did please, refuse to drink

Until the statue of Alma Mater did blink.

My sober joy would grow like the Morrow Plots,

And not smell of public urination and rot.

A hundred years full of passing periods should celebrate

Your views on Chief Illiniwek, the late.

Two hundred to reminisce of two days of snow,

But forty thousand to share all that we know;

A millennium at least to worship the orange and blue

And the last millennium should be for me and you.

For my friend, this is the University of Illinois

Nor should you have any lesser joy.

But from the wasted corners of campus today I hear,

The green bandwagon of tipsiness crawling near.

And everyone around us does stumble,

Drunks of an unmatched annoyance and bumble.

Your peacefulness will no longer be here,

As the mob surrounds while guzzling green beer.

And your decency will disintegrate,

And this institution you will begin to hate.

March second is a fine day to have fun for all

But none, I think, do without alcohol.

So now, while donned in festive green attire,

March to the Quad and see what transpires.

And while your thirsty soul is uneasy,

Fluid fills your system and makes you more queasy.

Now let us show our joy with puking,

And now like Kevin Bacon or Tom Selleck juking,

Rather at once lose all inhibition,

Then refuse to drink and break a tradition.

Obliterated, wasted, schwasted, and plastered,

Let’s forget everything we’ve revered and mastered,

And use Unofficial for drunken revel,

Through the blurry vision of a high blood alcohol level.

Warnings:

No matter how urgent or tempting it is, do not puke on the Daily Illini. Before you “blow chunks,” make sure you are in a secluded area such as a bathroom. Toilets, sinks, and garbage cans are ideal places to dispose of some of your excess “enjoyment.”

Do not use this paper as a “magic carpet.” Yes I’m Indian, but Aladdin took place in Agrabah. Any sensations of flight will probably result in pain.

The Daily Illini does not substitute as toilet paper, it’s too rough. Come on, you deserve two-ply anyway.

If you are visiting from another university, it may be surprising, but the University of Illinois can be “sweet as hell” on days besides Unofficial.

Use your common sense.

Whether you finish an entire keg before your Frosted Flakes, or you stay inside in fear of vomit and public urination, today is Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day. Though there are new restrictions to squash the celebration, this 10-year-old “tradition” at the University of Illinois doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere anytime soon.

Cracking down on Unofficial with a brave stance against “those who choose to interfere with the academic mission,” the University is taking matters into its own hands. Liquids will be checked at lecture halls. Police will be on constant patrol. Disruptive students may face expulsion.

So now that Unofficial is finally here, is anything different? Is the guy next to you sleeping, or is he passed out? Are the squirrels the only ones enjoying public urination? Do you feel any safer?

The University has begun a monumental battle. A mob of students who enjoy binge drinking and mass intoxication are pitted against officials who seem to think college drinking issues only exist one day of the year.