Today marks my 21st birthday. With only a week until Spring Break, I’m sure that I will get warnings from parents, friends and little old ladies at church about the dangers of drinking too much, and rightfully so. However, over-consumption of alcohol, drunken promiscuity and the Mexican Policia are not the only things to fear during our second semester vacation. When you all travel to your respective tropical paradises, be aware of a creature that lurks not far from the pristine beaches many will frequent. Dolphins have razor-sharp teeth, can weigh up to 600 pounds and are hornier than drunken frat bros at Station.

While filming the short-lived mid-90s TV show “Flipper,” Jessica Alba had a close encounter with her dolphin co-star. After the male dolphin made a few unfriendly passes at her blowhole, she requested female dolphins for the remainder of the show. However, gorgeous, bikini-clad actresses are not dolphins’ only target. In 2002, a smiling 400-pound dolphin named Georges began frequenting a popular English beach. The dolphin soon became over-friendly with many swimmers. After attempts to move the dolphin failed, his behavior became sporadic. In an interview with the London Times, dolphin trainer Ric O’Barry said, “He had already tried to mate with some swimmers.” Sharks may take your arms, but dolphins will take your dignity.

This is not a call to protect wild dolphins. Swim with the dolphins all you want, just be sure to pack a condom or a harpoon gun.

Why have dolphins become so protected? Their fake smiles, media attention and intelligence has put them on an animal pedestal, but what have dolphins ever done for us? Though horses are now of little use for transportation, they have a similar mystique about them. The French have not surrendered (ironically) to the majestic allure of horses and have added equine to their diet. As a fan of eating fish, shark and frog meat, I expect a dolphin would be pretty tasty.

But if dolphins are ever caught in nets, fishermen are told to throw them back. Moreover, if PETA would ever let me make a Flipper sandwich, the high mercury content in the meat would be dangerous.

When the military tried to use dolphins for mine detection and planting, the toothed whales pulled out their animal rights’ activist card and draft-dodged faster than President Clinton.

I’m beginning to see a pattern.

My conclusion is that dolphins are so smart that they have a “fin” on each of these incidents. Humans are getting owned by dolphins.

Even the United Nations declared this year, the “Year of the Dolphin.” I’m glad that the UN understands issues of world importance.

They can’t stop genocide (Rwanda, Darfur), resolve conflicts (Israeli-Palestinian), or even successfully provide aid (Oil for Food Program), but they sure can divert funds to help a useless gang-raping cetacean along in their quest for world domination. Another point for the dolphins. Marino would be proud.

When I leave for Spring Break, my final destinations will be the Georgia Aquarium and the coastal marshlands of Savannah, Georgia. Both are probable locations for dolphin encounters, and the aquarium will hopefully provide me with some well-needed dolphin education.

However, I’ll be watching them through glass or from my beach towel sipping a luke warm Pabst Blue Ribbon. The closest I ever want to get to these libido-frenzied porpoises is watching Felix the cat ride around on one in his NES game.

Have a safe and Flipper-free Spring Break.