Horny professors

By Jacob Stewart

(U-WIRE) BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – The professor and the student. This duo is often misunderstood. To students, their professors can seem distant and aloof, more like objects than humans, like fake plants or pieces of office furniture. It is quite easy to forget that professors are people first, with feelings and emotions not totally dissimilar to those of their pupils. And on the most basic level, both students and professors are subject to the same … urges.

The realization was once again at the forefront of my mind as I read a hilarious and honest piece titled “Sex and the Conference” by Jessica Burnstein, an assistant professor at the University of Washington. The piece outlined the sexual exploits and best means of getting some action at professional conferences. It seems that a compelling reason to attend conferences for professionals is similar to the reason many of us decided to attend college: Sex, sex and more sex.

With this realization comes the tearing down and destruction of many walls that separate the student from the professor. That at our core both groups are bent on seeing someone else naked opens up many avenues for conversation and, at least for students, humanizes their professors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But more importantly for me (who is both single and looking), the already large field at IU just got a few more players.

Our University has strict rules regarding sexual harassment, as it should. Also, it does not allow professors to become involved in consensual relationships with students over whom they have some authority. However, it is fully within the rights of student and professor to be involved in such relationships when the latter has no control over the former. Score! I have a few former professors (some of which I have seen out at local bars) who I wouldn’t mind asking out. The next time I go to their office hours it will be with a bottle of Cristal, a copy of Barry White’s “I’ve Got So Much to Give,” a dozen roses and a pickup line. I have to be more suave than the earth scientists or philosophers in their departments, right? And if I strike out, at least the woman won’t be able to flunk me. Thanks, IU!

As most major universities have instituted regulations regarding consensual relationships and the sexual practices of their professors, the issue is always at play on university campuses across the nation. That’s right — in the back of every great academic’s mind is an unbelievable concentration on sex. And if that doesn’t put them on an equal level with their students, then nothing short of bong rips and shotgunning beer can achieve that goal.

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In the end, the major concern is with the potential power-play professors could make on susceptible students. But even freshmen are adults — though it may not always seem that way — so we should set aside the social taboos and remember the advice of Sublime’s Bradley Nowell: Just let the lovin’ take hold.