Nomenclature, baby

By Colleen Carroll

(U-WIRE) BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – The social security administration recently released the top baby names of 2006, proving again people have never seen the film “Splash.” The girl’s name Madison, that ubiquitous name of every new baby about which you hear, is on the decline after sweeping through the naming ranks, taking just number three this year. The usurper? Emma. Thank you, “Friends,” for giving us the next generation of ugly names for girls. The good news is that Noah is nowhere in the top 10. Still, the majority of the girls’ names are rather sophisticated, like Sophia or Isabella, confirming that the delusions of this country are truly infinite.

But let’s get back to the name Madison. Please, I implore you, don’t name your kid Madison. While realistically you should be studying right now or slaving away at a summer job and not thinking about ruining your girlish figure or your girlfriend’s girlish figure, this is still a serious matter. Not only are you not paying homage to James Madison, you’re referencing a Daryl Hannah movie about a mermaid who lives in a bathtub. This is not a joke – don’t name your children after forgettable ’80s films.

Now, if Madison was your first choice, there are some parents who hire consultants to name their children. According to a Wall Street Journal article, parents feel so compelled to set their children apart – likening the current selection of childrens’ names to brands of toothpaste – that they will pay someone to make one up. Somewhere out there is a toddler named Sheridan because of its “crisp syllables” – and crisp bed linens, too (that was a Sheridan Hotel joke, by the way).

I’ll admit I’m not the ultimate authority on names. But considering my name has been on the decline for the past 15 years (Colleen is almost off the top 1000 list), I give mad props to my parents for not naming me Jessica. I never shared my name with anyone in the entirety of my education, from preschool to this current semester. Except now.

A recent Google search of my name revealed a prominent Colleen Carroll. Two if you go through enough pages. This does not please me. I don’t share – certainly not my name, certainly not with another writer. Unfortunately, it’s not really humanly possible to bolster my ranking unless I simultaneously inflate my mothering instinct and ego, birthing 15 children and naming them all after myself, regardless of sex.

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But as I said, without an independent and aesthetically pleasing name, my eventual publishing career is in jeopardy. Therefore, I find myself in the predicament of today’s parents: I need a name, or rather, a pseudonym. This task baffles me, so I have pity on those who consult baby name books and the bizarre names of obscure aunts. Luckily, initials can be helpful, as are nicknames derived from obscure ’80s films (not “Splash”). So, I bid you adieu with my newly coined pen name, C. R. Krull.

Or maybe I should hire a consultant.