Freshmen and transfer students: Welcome to campus. I offer these words of advice. Do not make yourself a victim at night by walking home alone (and intoxicated). Go to class and study. And do not get arrested for stupid freshmen mistakes. Oh, one more thing: pay attention walking around campus. Close attention.

Most everyone knows of the University’s recent and sad history of pedestrian safety. Several unfortunate bus accidents have resulted in an aggressive, proactive campaign to make students and drivers more aware of all forms of traffic.

My warning, though, is significantly different. Returning and new students of all ages need to beware of bicyclists. In my numerous years riding on and off campus, I have had the misfortune to have near collisions with many, many, clueless, iPod-listening, cellphone-talking, and just plain inattentive UI students. The most common near misses occur during the 10 minutes between classes. People mindlessly walk from building to building, from residence hall to class and vice versa, oblivious to the fact that immediately adjacent to the sidewalk is a relative expressway of bicycles. Students need to treat this path as they might Michigan Avenue in Chicago: Admire the sites, but pay attention to the traffic.

Beware, newcomers and oblivious veterans of Chambana streets, bicyclists can be brutal. Some of us ride in all seasons and weather conditions. The good riders use the paths and the right side of the street and remain alert for cars and other obstacles. The bad ones go anywhere they can. All of us, however, are losing our patience with inattentive walkers. We do our part to prevent accidents, but if you are not careful with your migration from residence to class, you will get “Schwinned.” In fact, I am not above intentionally Schwinning a freshman as a warning. Consider this a warning shot across your bow.

As justification for my vigilante system of campus transportation justice, I drafted the ground rules for the necessary parties (these are my own rules and do not necessarily represent campus or city laws):

1. When walking on primarily perambulatory pathways (the Quad, Green Street sidewalks between Wright and Neil streets, etc.), pedestrians have the right-of-way. Those are their roads, so bicyclists ride slowly and respectfully. Even better, avoid riding there whenever possible.

2. In exchange for respecting the walkers’ territory, pedestrians need to respect the bike lanes. The bike path just south of the Bardeen Quad on Green Street runs next to the sidewalk. If you walk there, use the sidewalk section, not the bike lanes (that would be the section without the yellow lines). More importantly, when crossing Wright Street by the Main Quad, watch out for bikes. That is also a cyclist expressway like I mentioned before and hence prime territory for a vigilante Schwinning. And when waiting for a bus, make sure to not stand in the way of bikes.

3. Bikers, if you ride slowly, stay to the right! Some of us like to get to and from our destinations in the same day, so please let us pass without having to go too far into oncoming traffic.

4. Pedestrians, welcome to America. We travel on the right-hand side here. In fact, the majority of the world travels on the right-hand side. Walk accordingly. If you are taking a leisurely stroll with your girlfriend, let others get through the crowded Quad sidewalks. Oh, and please do not inhale her face in the middle of an intersection. Use the back of class for that.

5. If you like to listen to music or talk on the phone while walking, keep at least one ear and two eyes open to the world around. Cars, runners, bikes and squirrels all magically appear when people are not aware of their surroundings. Do you really want your big toe mistaken for an acorn?

These simple ground rules should help you newcomers into campus life and educate the clueless veterans. More importantly, it will stave off the aforementioned wave of vigilante Schwinnings. Consider yourself warned, Chambana. Failure to comply will result in an embarrassing trip to the hospital to have tire marks cleaned off your back.