The Discovery Institute, a prime mover in the effort to get Intelligent Design into classrooms, is eagerly anticipating the release of Ben Stein’s upcoming documentary titled “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed.” It is excited because Ben Stein is a big name, and his documentary appears to be in support of open curricula in school rooms which means, mostly, allowing Intelligent Design to be added to instruction. The folks at the Discovery Institute and others have been having a heck of a time getting school boards across the country to add Intelligent Design to their curricula. But I’d bet they would wet themselves to find out that Intelligent Design is being taught all over the country, including at the University.

“Not in my quadrangle!” some people can be heard shouting. But has anyone stopped to listen to the lesson they are being taught? In high school, I was taught that through evolution, giraffes developed long necks so that they can reach the tippy-most top leaves on trees. I was also taught that each little sperm comes with a tiny packet of enzymes to break through that sinister cervical mucus. No one batted an eye. The Evolutionists are happy because these adaptations were explained in terms of evolution, and the Creationists and Intelligent Designists were pouting because no one listened to their explanations.

My advice to the dejected pseudo-scientists of the nation is this: Turn those frowns upside down! Don’t they realize that Intelligent Design is implicit in the language? “Giraffes developed long necks so that …” Everyone who has big ears, crooked teeth or two different-sized boobs knows that we don’t get to choose our genes. That leaves us with the question of who does. Although there is no scientific answer for this yet, the question cannot be ignored.

Intelligent Design is creepy. It has crept through the gates that are supposed to keep silly scientific malpractice out, and has made its way as far as the University. For example, an excerpt from one of my textbooks from a past semester reads “”DNA evidence indicates that (a particular protist’s) ancestors were green-pigmented. Why would this protist give up the ability to photosynthesize?” It’s common knowledge that protists don’t have executive functions, so the choice had to have been made by someone or something else.

Another example is from a textbook in use this semester. Fresh from the plastic, my Biological Psychology book reads “The existence of many types of receptors for each (neuro)transmitter agent has evolved to provide specificity of transmitter action in the nervous system.” Here is an even more explicit demonstration of Intelligent Design at work. The variety of receptors evolved because, well, they didn’t think it would work as well any other way. Good work, neuronal cell membranes!

The examples could go on, but the column inches won’t. The fact is, open any textbook that talks about the origin of something biological, and you will probably find a tidbit of Intelligent Design. Listen to a lecture along the same vein and you will find, it has been my experience, an even larger abundance of ID-olatry.

The Intelligent Designists may not be as impressed as I originally said they would be. After all, what I have revealed is the teaching of real Intelligent Design, the concept that something is actively guiding the development of biology. In all of the cases mentioned above, the Designer could very well be the organism itself. Most subscribers to the concept of Intelligent Design would find that idea silly, after all, what is an Intelligent Designist if not a creationist in disguise? Somehow, self-designing protists don’t smack of God’s influence.

While realizing that teaching Intelligent Design is often accidental, I still maintain that it has no place in the classroom. This is as true of a third grade class as it is of a third-year graduate level biology class. Educators, now that you are aware of this trend, I can only hope that you will change your habits. And students, remember, your brain did not spend 6,000 years evolving so that it could be subjected to such nonsense.