The Ten Commandments of finding somewhere to sit

By Catherine Shen

Student asked a fellow friend how to choose a good seat in class. “One must try to avoid sitting around couples,” quoth mechanical engineering student Clayton Byers. “It can start to become quite amusing after a while.” Student pondered this thought, then decided to ask another friend whom he thought to be wise.

Senior biology major Sally Yang said, “You must avoid people with food, otherwise you will spend the entire time salivating over Goldfish and Snickers bars.” Student was searching for a divine muse. Student climbed high on the peak of wisdom and came across God. Student questioned God how to choose a good seat in class.

And God said unto him: “Follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all happy in selected seat.” Student showed gratitude to God and all was well.

I. Thou Shalt Not Be Late. God gave Student the gift of knowing time. God said unto him, thou shalt not be late for class in order to choose thy desired seat. With this effort, one can choose to sit next to hot girl, or avoid Mr. Sniffles.

II. Thou Shalt Not Kiss Professor’s Behind (In Obvious Way). God said unto Student, do not sit in the front row answering all questions asked by the educator. Student asked God why. God replied: This will make one appear to be a gigantic butt-kisser, and be smote by all students in classroom.

III. Thou Shalt Not Sit in Middle of Class. Student inquired as to why not sit in the middle?

God replied, one can avoid tripping over people’s annoying legs and prevent side pains from running into pulled-out desks. (If one does trip or get bruised from desk, one can always make a sharp turn as if looking for one’s friend and whack the person in the face with heavy backpack.)

IV. Thou Shalt Avoid Sitting Behind Big Heads. Then God said to Student, thou shalt not sit behind people with big heads. The many swayings of one’s torso in order to read professor’s scrawny notes can lead to great intensity of soreness to the posterior, and chronic neck pain.

V. Thou Shalt Stay Away From Those With iPods. If thou should sit next to one with the iPod, you will hear the compelling choices of music this person decides to listen to during class.

Then, thou shalt edge closer, ignoring bruised sides to realize thou liked the song sang by Kelly Clarkson, which reminds thee of those warm summer nights. Then iPod-listener will glare at you and scoot away as though thou were a cockroach.

VI. Thou Shalt Leave Space Between Seats. God said unto bewildered Student, thou shall leave space between people you do not know.

Student would have been able to stretch out in comfortable position, but if sitting tightly with another person, there is only one arm rest to use. One also risks chances of awkward conversation or listening to someone else’s amazing night with hot chick whilst thou wert at home watching reruns of “The Brady Bunch.”

VII. Thou Shalt Avoid People with Full Meal. God said unto Student: chances of going to class with an empty stomach are great. Do not risk the chance of creating a flood of salivation.

There will be no one to part that flood and this will increase degradation of thy reputation, and decrease chances of first date with hot guy/girl sitting rows ahead, laughing at thy woe.

Student then said: A full stomach he shall have when going to class.

VIII. Thou Shalt Avoid Students Sitting in Couple Form. God said unto Student: Thou shall avoid boy/girl couple seating. Student scratches head and asks why.

God replied: Thou would want to avoid possible major public display of affection.

Images of fondling, back rubs and soul suckage would not want to find its way into thy notes or cause nightmares. (Or if thou believe this to be entertainment, bring popcorn to class next session. You perv.)

IX. Thou Shalt Avoid Loud Typer. God tells Student laptop-bringers are OK to sit behind, especially if Student can look over their shoulder and watch videos of guys falling off roofs or read personal MySpace messages.

But when the typer types every single word that comes from the professor’s mouth, it will make Student want to take the laptop and smash it with the same strength and willpower as the typer.

Then God presents the last commandment to Student.

X. Thou Shalt Wear A Hoodie. Student asked what if he stayed up late all night playing World of Warcaft and got no sleep.

God said unto Student: “When one is tired and needs to catch up on sleep, he shall wear a hoodie and sit in the last rows.” God said by pulling hoodie over the head and with notebook open, thou will appear as a scholar listening industriously to the lecture while really resting up for another night of battle and blood. And Student was pleased, and God was pleased. And it was good.