The Greatest President

By Scott Green

I mean no disrespect to Lincoln, Washington, or Fillmore when I say that George W. Bush is the greatest American president in this nation’s history – nay, the greatest American president in world history.

How great is Bush? He makes Calvin Coolidge look like Benjamin Harrison, Benjamin Harrison look like Franklin Pierce, and Franklin Pierce look like a bucket of whale excrement. Bush’s awesomeness knows no bounds. He is just the best ever. I can’t believe this even needs to be debated.

Let’s look at some facts about this king among men, this short-haired American Absalom. Fact: Bush is first in education. He continued reading “The Pet Goat” for seven minutes after hearing about the 9/11 attacks.

Also, his underfunding of the “No Child Left Behind” program put a real spotlight on the failures of the American educational system, shortcomings that the next president will have no choice but to fix. The next president might get the glory, but without Bush, future improvement would not be so achievable.

Fact: Bush is first in intangibles. He is one of our 35 tallest presidents, and the only in touch enough with his female side to be a cheerleader. Take that, supposedly-gay President James Buchanan! Bush is also the highest-ranking person in his administration who has never shot a friend in the face while quail hunting.

Fact: Bush is first in modesty. For the first few years of the Iraq war, he selflessly insisted that Iraq was not another Vietnam. But just last month, he finally took credit for what we all knew: That Iraq features none of the bad stuff from Vietnam, with all of the good parts, like how we can never lose if we never withdraw our troops.

It is a tribute to his selflessness that he did not want everyone to know how cleverly he had worked the lessons of Vietnam into the Iraq game plan.

He also unveiled a “Mission: Accomplished” banner on the USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1, 2003, in a humble attempt to deflect future praise about military success. (The plan did fail, though, Bush has had to struggle to this day with the amount of praise he has received for his Commander-in-Chiefship.) If you go to whitehouse.gov, you’ll find more evidence of Bush’s modest soul. The video clip of Bush’s speech on USS Lincoln has been cropped to remove the banner. Who but the humblest of men would go to such great lengths to not draw attention to an accomplished mission?

Fact: Bush is first with the pundits. Notoriously hard-to-please media personalities like Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and pretty much all of Fox News agree Bush is a superb president and master decider.

This praise is not a rubber stamp: Before Bush came to office, these so-called “pundits” hadn’t positively reviewed a president since 1992. What is that, just some coincidence? Widespread agreement like this is surely the sign of something special.

Fact: Bush is first in freedom. This is especially important because the terrorists hate us because of our freedom. (I know this because Bush said so.) If the terrorists had their way, they would probably tap into our private phone conversations and detain some of us outside of our country without our Constitutional rights in an environment where torture is the norm.

I haven’t checked the facts on this one, but a President like Bush who talks such a big game about freedom and liberty and the American way obviously would never engage in such breaches of our civil liberties.

There has never been a president like Bush and there probably never will be again.

They’ll have to edit the history books to make room for George Walker Bush’s most deserved superlative: The Greatest President.