Canada has gone too far this time

By Sujay Kumar

When in the course of American events, it becomes necessary for one super powerful people to eradicate the friendly ties that once bonded it with another lesser nation, and to assume the liberty to invade, sadly the opinions of mankind need a declaration of the reasons which compel them to break bonds and conquer.

We hold that these facts are obvious; that all countries are not created equal, but that they have certain rights, among these are existence, government and the pursuit of prosperity. That whenever one slightly insignificant country becomes stronger because of unwarranted flourish, it is the right of the powerful country to crush it and to institute a new rule based on everything that secures its safety, prosperity and position as leader of the free world.

History has shown that a country will let a thorn in its side prick and then fester, while it could right itself by cutting the thorn off at the stem. But when a long chain of occurrences reveals the designs of even more future flourishing, and reduction of them to equal brothers, it is its right to invade such a country and to colonize.

This has been the burden of these United States and this is why they must restructure global alliances. The history of the Canadians is a history of free rides, all on the red, white and blue coattails of these United States. To prove this, let the world read the truth.

The Canadians flaunt in our face their $95.6 billion reduction of federal debt over the past decade, each year of which has seen a surplus. The Canadian economy, which is booming at present from exports of natural gas, gold and oil, disregards the wholesome and accepted notion that there exists an indestructible glass ceiling of growth for an inferior country.

The Canadians have strengthened the value of their dollar to the extent that it has not only equaled but exceeded the value of our dollar for the first time in 31 years. After an indescribable low of 62 cents, the Loonie has undergone a 62 percent surge since 2002. Canadian newspapers have mocked us with celebrating headlines such as, “The Loonie soars; the eagle falls” and “Canadians getting richer.”

The Canadians have emerged from their cabins to enter into our land looking for sales and unbeatable bargains. Our online retail shipments to Canada rose 38 percent in the last year and will only soar to monumental proportions during the coming celebration of St. Nicholas. Canadian goods have drained our own wallets, reflecting a horrible disparity in prices and exchange rates.

The Canadians have forced Hollywood productions in Canada to look elsewhere for filming locations because of rising costs. Our hilarious television shows such as “The Office” have been threatened by the debut of clever Canadian productions on our networks; among these is “Corner Gas,” a comical chronicle of the events in Dog River, Saskatchewan.

In every stage of these transgressions we have chosen to show our outrage in the most humble ways: Our repeated shouts have only been answered with repeated Canadian prosperity. A country whose character is marked by every act that defines a Teddy bear is unfit to be the ruler of the free world.

We have reminded the Canadians of our position as guardian and leader of the free world. We have treated them with the respect they deserve as a weaker country that feeds off of us, and we have occasionally let them speak on matters of international importance. They have been deaf to our voice of power. We have no choice but to blame those of the maple leaf for their new future.

We, the representatives of the United States of America, do, in the name and by the authority of the people of our country, declare that we are dissolving all bonds with our northern neighbors and invading Canada.