Zombies eating male brains

To all of the women out there, I am sorry – honestly, sincerely and truly sorry – for the actions of some of my fellow males. I say this in reference to the seemingly never-ending new application of immaturity taken on by a decent portion of male society. More specifically, I say this in reference to the new life role-playing game taking place on the UMass campus.

I’m sure you’ve seen it by now. All along campus, there are children, mostly men – change that, boys – walking around sporting bandanas and carrying NERF dart guns (or some form of a soft projectile). If you have been wondering what the hell is going on, this Halloween a campuswide game titled “Humans vs. Zombies” (H vs. Z) began. The game, which as of Monday has 1,144 registered players, was designed by two students at Goucher College in the fall of 2005 with the express written purpose of devolving the male species.

Essentially, it is a large game of campuswide tag. The goals of the game are as follows: Zombies want to turn all humans into zombies, and humans simply want to survive. There are a whole bunch of rules, yet to be honest I didn’t care enough about them to recite them here for you. I do, however, care about what this game is saying about our collective male culture.

As college goes, every social event – including class – is one large mixer. Every school event, house or frat party is in essence designed to give men and women a better chance to meet and develop a friendly or romantic relationship. From the most intelligent students sitting in the library to the most cinematically inclined sitting at the movies, every public utility has the underlying design and purpose of people meeting other people.

It is in this spirit that “H vs. Z” was created. However, whereas other social utilities, gatherings and games are comprised of men and women, college men – or more appropriately boys claiming to be members of the living dead – dominate “H vs. Z.”

Now, it’s not that I have a problem with zombies (they seemed to dance pretty well with Michael Jackson in the 1980s), yet I do have a major grievance with college-aged males running around shooting NERF darts playing a large game of tag. Aside from the fact that society sends us to college to grow up, as it pertains to the dating scene, “H vs. Z” is another immature digression in the lives of men. Whereas video games have men everywhere sitting in basements mesmerized by an eternally glowing screen, “H vs. Z,” although a real-world game, is just as bad for the simple reason of its player constituency.

Like video games, “H vs. Z” is a male-dominated game. It is one that has enrolled a decent segment of the male UMass populace into a game which has its players purchasing NERF guns and other soft projectiles in mass quantities. For this, to all women out there, I am sorry.

In my four years of college, of all the things which I have learned about the opposite sex, the one fact which remains true is that women, all women, are looking for a mature male to have a lasting relationship with.

Women are looking for the supposed product of college: a mature, intelligent, generous, good-looking man. They are not looking for boys touting soft projectile guns or boys staggering around campus in a permanent Halloween costume claiming they like to eat brains.

This being the case, if a good amount of college boys are either playing PlayStation 3 or running around shooting NERF darts at one another, where does this leave college-aged women? Either it leaves them high and dry without a good man by their sides, or as I have seen, it leaves them to partake in immature games like “H vs. Z.”

You might call me odd, but women playing “H vs. Z” scares me more then men playing it. This is because it is a signal to men that their actions of obsessively playing video games or a living dead version of tag is an acceptable social mating behavior. I am here to say it isn’t and never should be.

So this is my plea to women and men. Women, please stop overlooking the male immaturity pandemic. Instead of playing along or simply looking away, put your foot down and stand your ground.

Demand of your male counterparts what I do: maturity. By doing this, it might take boys away from NERF dart guns and PlayStation 3 and turn them into what you want from them: men.