Should you be casting a vote for Chuck Norris or Oprah Winfrey?

By Sujay Kumar

There’s no way around this, it was bound to happen eventually. November is less than a year away and election races are tighter than ever. With this coming rush to the polls, a monumental battle pitting two American icons of our time against one another is upon us. So wipe those apathetic, angst-ridden looks off your faces, because it’s time to talk politics. It starts now.

(“Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection” theme music)

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris. This coming November, Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee into the Oval Office.

(“The Oprah Winfrey Show” theme music)

Oprah Winfrey doesn’t just read books, she rocket-launches them onto the best-seller list. There are no bad people, just people who haven’t witnessed “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Oprah Winfrey is not afraid to bring a little black to the White House, and a lot of the White House to the Barack Obama promise land.

On the right we have an infinite-degree black belt in coolness and a B-grade action film megastar. On the left we have billionaire champion of all that is good, enough said.

Former Arkansas Governor Huckabee has risen to lead Iowa GOP polls in what has become a close Republican presidential race. Huckabee, who was already on his way to the top spot, officially grabbed the throne once television ads starring Walker Texas Ranger himself, Norris, aired on Iowa cable for a week.

The ads are known as HuckChuckFacts and have had millions of YouTube and hits. They begin with an important policy message from Mike Huckabee: “My plan to secure the border, two words: Chuck Norris.” We then see Norris and Huckabee sitting side by side, exchanging facts about one another.

“Mike’s a principled, authentic conservative,” says Norris, with a stern voice and a look of an imminent roundhouse kick that we all loved in the Delta Force movies.

“Chuck Norris doesn’t endorse,” counters Huckabee, “He tells America how it’s gonna be.”

Norris approached Huckabee (the first man in the history of the universe to not run away from Chuck Norris), to champion Huckabee’s platform. Huckabee is lucky because Norris appeals to anyone who loves horribly acted, shoot ’em up/blow ’em up B-grade action movies, and religious folk who praise his effort to kick the Bible back into public schools. Not to mention the cult following of teens who worship him by quoting well-known Chuck Norris facts.

On the other end, Senator from Illinois Obama is second to Hillary Clinton in Democratic polls. But at the end of November, Oprah came out openly Obama and pledged to support the candidate as a “special guest” on his mid-December road trip. Oprah is even on record saying that she is a firm believer in the “depths of Obama’s moral authority.”

Oprah and Obama are both Chicagoans and have known one another for a while. Oprah appeals to the estimated 50 million different viewers that tune into her daytime talk show every week, and the 6.5 million women that worship her by watching religiously, reading her recommended books and scanning the tabloids for Stedman-marriage rumors.

Hmmm, whom to choose? Quite the dilemma we have here.

A roundhouse kick to the head from Chuck Norris would probably kill you. And Oprah did raise Josh Groban’s “Noel” album sales by 81 percent. Both icons are incredibly powerful.

Two heroes, one presidential dream. Chuck Norris and Oprah Winfrey.

Wait a second, weren’t the candidates Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama? Oh that’s right. Back to the politics.

Celebrities will always have an influence on election campaigns. But it’s up to us to look at the candidates and not let that influence … ROUNDHOUSE KICK! OPRAH SMASH!

Ouch. I’ve said too much. You decide.