Fall 2007 was a busy semester at the University of Illinois; a lot of very important and historical things happened. If, like me, you didn’t care about those important and historical things, you probably have no idea what they were. So I went out and did the minimum amount of research I felt I could get away with, and now present my month-by-month recap.

August

The University’s vending contract is switched from Coke to Pepsi, which causes the shocked and disappointed student body to not know the difference.

Every freshman on campus attends Quad Day to sign up for eight or nine extracurricular activities that he or she will be absolutely, totally dedicated to; fewer than 20 show up to any club events.

An e-mail accidentally sent to 700 Engineering students reveals top-secret information about more than 5,000 undergrads, including contact information, grade point average, ethnicity, and turn-ons. Christina Svensen, a sophomore whose listed turn-ons include protractors and graphing calculators, changes her phone number.

September

The Illini football team beats Western Illinois in its first home game of the season, but the athletes are overshadowed by the absence of a longstanding UI tradition that the administration discontinued after decades of popular support: Coca-Cola products.

Playboy Magazine visits campus seeking girls for its upcoming “Girls of the Big Ten” issue. During tryouts, a record number of campus women tell their boyfriends they are “just heading out to run some errands in this bikini.”

Just before being Tasered for heckling Sen. John Kerry, a University of Florida student utters the now-famous line, “Is that your final answer?”

Sixty people lie down in the middle of the intersection of Green and Wright streets as an anti-war “die-in.” This causes traffic to stop, but regular construction along Green Street keeps drivers from realizing anything is going on.

October

Thousands of campus Cubs fans are heartbroken as the team is swept in the first round of the playoffs by the Arizona Diamondbacks, a team so bad it got swept in the second round by the Colorado Rockies, a team so bad it got swept in the World Series by the Boston Red Sox.

A stereotype-themed party draws campus outrage when the unspeakable nature of the event is revealed: The hosts served Coke products.

Foellinger Auditorium turns 100 years old, and to commemorate the occasion, the University arranges for a celebratory squirrel to plunge from the rafters during a lecture. It becomes the only interesting thing to ever happen during a lecture at Foellinger.

At the annual Homecoming parade, Chief Illiniwek is at first banned from floats. Ultimately, the University relents and allows the Chief, though the ban on Coke-themed floats is kept in place.

November

Thousands of students flood Green Street to celebrate the football team’s defeat of No. 1-ranked Ohio State. The victory is the most surprising thing to happen to Illinois football since the previous season, when the team, in what some football analysts consider the greatest miracle in sports history, did not lose every single game.

A giant fight breaks out on Sixth Street outside Firehaus, requiring two people to be hospitalized. It is the first time in campus history Kam’s attracts only the second most belligerent drunks on campus.

Ben Stein, former speechwriter for Richard Nixon and host of “Win Ben Stein’s Money,” gives a speech at Foellinger, but the audience is disappointed when he is not conked in the head by any falling squirrels.

Chancellor Richard Herman has a cameo as “Mother Ginger” in a campus performance of “The Nutcracker.” The administration becomes concerned, however, when Herman insists on wearing the costume to meetings.

December

The Illini football team earns its first Rose Bowl berth in 471 years, where it will face the USC Trojans. Students are initially excited but lose enthusiasm after realizing the team is going to lose by 80 points.

And finally, at the end of the semester, the University successfully tests its new text message emergency system. The system is designed to warn students as quickly as possible in the event of a serious emergency. There is a full red alert almost immediately when a forbidden chemical substance is discovered smuggled into a residence hall: Diet Coke.