The primary problem with Illinois is its voters

By Scott Green

I mean no disrespect to Illinois voters when I say that they are idiots. Illinois is the state whose voters, when Abraham Lincoln ran for the senate in 1858, elected the other guy. (This was a mistake because Lincoln was obviously taller.) So it is disturbing that the Illinois presidential primaries were moved from March 16 in 2004 to Feb. 5 this year, early enough in the race that our votes will have an impact.

My first concern is Illinois voters’ pattern of choosing candidates with less-than-pristine morals, by which I mean “total scumbags.” Consider the lack of success we’ve had with gubernatorial elections: Since 1960 three Illinois governors, Otto Kerner, Daniel Walker and George Ryan, have served prison terms. The leading cause of death for Illinois governors is now prison riot. If he were on the ballot, Illinois voters would probably elect the Hamburglar.

A notable exception to this pattern is Jim Edgar. Edgar was an honest and wise governor, a strong-willed leader who always did the right thing for the state. I am not just saying this because he is a hired employee of the University of Illinois, nor am I saying this because Gov. Edgar should e-mail me sometime about possibly having lunch, nor because he and I should discuss politics at this lunch, nor because this lunch should be at an expensive restaurant, nor because he should pay for this lunch. No, I am saying this because Gov. Edgar should buy me dinner.

But getting back to my point, Illinois voters are not the best decision makers. In 2000, which was the most important and hotly contested Presidential election from 1997 to 2003, Illinoisians stupidly cast the majority of their votes for two candidates: George W. Bush, who is, under the terms of his own “No Child Left Behind Act,” illiterate; and Al Gore, a man whose political skills are so poor, he lost the presidency to George W. Bush.

To prevent Illinois from making this mistake again, I offer the following advice: In the 2008 Presidential primaries, do not vote for George W. Bush or Al Gore. In fact, don’t vote for anybody who is not running. I am also wary of the candidates who are running, so don’t vote for them, either.

Case in point: Consider a man, “X,” who plans to vote in the Democratic primary. Never mind the difficulty he will have when explaining to election judges that his name is just a letter. X faces a dilemma: If he votes for Hillary Clinton, it means he is not voting for Barack Obama, and therefore does not support black people as much as he should. If he votes for Obama, he is not voting for Clinton, and therefore hasn’t offered enough support to women. Also, voting for either of these candidates is a slap in the face of white males, who need X’s support more than ever now that their streak of 220 consecutive years of the presidency is in jeopardy.

X would face similar, but different, problems if he voted for one of the leading Republican candidates.

For example, if he votes for Mitt Romney, he is turning his back on John McCain, and with him, all twice-married balding former prisoners of war. If he votes for McCain, he is abandoning people named “Mitt.” If he votes for Ron Paul, he is a dweeb.

So the only sensible choice for Illinoisians is to not vote. This is my plan, and not just because I completely forgot to register again.

If we don’t vote for anybody, then we won’t once more have egg on our faces when our candidate of choice is sent to prison or invades a Middle Eastern nation on a hunch or steals a sack of delicious McDonald’s cheeseburgers. On election day, just sleep in and avoid polling places. Then celebrate your participation in the electoral process with a nice big dinner, paid for by Jim Edgar.

Scott is a second-year student in the College of Law. His profiles of the major presidential candidates will be available in Monday’s Daily Illini.