Let us review, for a moment what sort of behavior the University prescribes for us: “No person under the age of twenty-one may store, possess, or consume alcoholic beverages on any property under the control of the University of Illinois.” So says the policy of the University, and especially its derivative the University Housing. And, “Smoking is also prohibited outdoors within 25 feet of entrances and exits of buildings, and in areas surrounding fresh air intakes of buildings.” This is undoubtedly also the policy of the University.

Yet it has become the common business of the students among us to flout the clear will of our institution, which has seen us through so many trials and tribulations. Instead you engage yourselves in perpetual drunkenness and unseemly camaraderie! And even though the laws of our state have bidden you to stop your reckless habits of smoking, I see you all huddled outside of houses of booze every evening! I have even heard tell that there has been smoking of that other, more sinister tobacco. Hooligans!

You have violated these true and just policies of the University, and yet you expect no retribution. You sit and marvel at the misfortunes that have befallen us! Why not yesterday I was walking back from class in my shorts and sweatshirt, suitable attire for my departure in the morning, and I was met with a fearsome blizzard! If you have never felt a sleety breeze up your britches, let me tell you: it feels like divine retribution!

Recall the near-foot of snow that covered all of Campustown! Yet when the great director of maintenance warned us that no snow day will be had through his great efforts, you again rebuffed the will of the University! You skipped classes without remorse, and constructed your own snow day, unsanctioned by our fair-minded administrators. You replaced the fine work-ethic commanded us with beer pong and episodes of The Office. And lo! Thereafter you were treated to a slushy rain that turned all of our streets into filth and mud! Not an Ugg boot was left unruined nor any pant leg left unsodden, and still you did not heed the warnings! But I am sent to you by the grace of our great University, which I have faithfully toiled beneath for four and some-odd years:

Repent! For the end of things is nigh! You have violated the covenant you entered into upon admission to this University. It was clearly enumerated that for the cost of exorbitant state tuition and limitless deference to the whims of your professors, you would be given that most coveted of prizes: a middle-management job with a dental plan! Although you may be dauntless in your resistance to the lukewarm affection our University has shown us, I tell you now to fear its terrible wrath! Soon the Apocalypse will be upon us, and you will all be subject to snow in July, and land-born Tsunamis! The University will not tolerate your heinous debauchery any longer!

Repent!