In days of political yore, the criticism levied against direct democracy was always its potential for mob rule. That’s not to say this concern has abated; on the contrary, direct democracy is still strongly in the category of fringe politics. After all, the most visible proponent of direct democracy today is Democratic presidential candidate Mike Gravel. (Pause for laughter). But seriously folks, modern Americans don’t drink democracy anymore without two parts republic mixed in. This isn’t an unreasonable position: we all know that if we leave average Joe to his own devices he’ll rob his friends and throw his enemies into the river. So instead we put him in a cage made out of the constitution, to be guarded by representatives of his own choosing.

In light of recent events, I’ve been reconsidering the wisdom of this arrangement. Now, I’m not referring to anything grand or national, like our 8-year executive hiccup. No, the happenstance that has me questioning the philosophical foundations of liberal democracy is our recent elections for student trustee and the Illinois Student Senate.

First of all, let’s not pretend that our student government is the zenith of legislative effectiveness. In fact, its current iteration (ISS) was only created in 2004 to replace the comically destructive and useless Illinois Student Government Assembly and Student Senate Caucus. But our student trustees have a slightly better track record, with Chime Asonye being remarkably competent and effective during his tenure. However, things aren’t looking up.

This election cycle in particular was marred by the removal of spending restrictions on campaigns. The result was horrendous abuses of typical campaign practices, most visibly in the form of excessive fliering. So I won’t mince words about my pessimistic viewpoint toward those who have aspirations to these elected offices. For every earnest, intelligent, and competent student that runs for the senate, there is a throng of egocentric pseudo-politicians whose granule of influence throws them into a masturbatory fervor of throat-cutting and hyperbole. And they’re the ones who get elected. But, I usually don’t think our student government is hopeless in theory. After all, we still have a shared set of values; a constitutional cage.

At least that is how I felt until Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day once again imposed itself on me. At face value, Unofficial is simply a great example of mob reasoning. Once a year we all get together and turn Champaign into the Pleasure Island of Disney’s “Pinocchio.” Smoking stogies, playing pool, and bucking our moral obligations. And in defense of this event, students put forth the argument that we have a right to do so. A right to drunken revelry.

I find this very frightening. First of all, getting trashed and throwing things off your balcony is not protected by any amendment, no matter how you twist the meaning of speech. But more importantly, even an appeal to just the broad American value of live-and-let-live doesn’t cover it, because let-live is just as important as live, and Unofficial virtually shuts down the ability of non-participants to have a normal vomit-free day.

So how does this undermine our democracy? Well, if our constitutional values are warped beyond meaning, as defenders of Unofficial seem to illustrate, and we consistently elect parasitic solipsists, in what sense can we meaningfully say that we are capable of competent self-governance? We can’t. We’re all just children turned into donkeys at a four-year Pleasure Island.

Is there hope for reform? You tell me, Paul Schmitt.

In order to reinstate any kernel of meaning into our student government you will need to address the fact that most senators engaged in unethical campaigning, that Unofficial impinges on the lives of non-participants, and that the Chief in its last incarnation did real psychological harm to members of our community. There are two roles you can choose to play: the direct voice of the majority, or the steward of our interests and values. So which is it? Just another jackass, or the student trustee?

Jiminy Cricket is a senior in religious studies.