In a world of presidential movies

By Sujay Kumar

This November, get ready for the most important presidential event of our lives. One man will beat the odds and enter the White House as the 43rd president of the United States. His triumph will be celebrated, his legacy will be immortalized and one letter will stand apart from the rest of the alphabet: W.

(dramatic score, cut to scene of man in Oval Office, back turned to us, music ends when he speaks)

“I think it’s time we stopped standing around with our d—s in our hands, and raised the stakes.”

Oliver Stone, the controversial director of “JFK” and “Nixon,” will tackle the life of President George W. Bush in his next film titled “W.” With a $30 million budget and production beginning soon, Stone hopes to release “W.” before the upcoming election.

Headlining the cast as George W. Bush is Josh Brolin. He’s that guy who was running away with the money in “No Country For Old Men.” First lady Laura Bush will be played by Elizabeth Banks, also known as the crazy girl in the tub in the “40 Year Old Virgin.” And in a pivotal supporting role, Ioan Gruffudd will play President Bush’s ally Mr. Fantastic. Scratch that, he’ll be starring as former British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

If you’re not salivating yet, in a Slate magazine article Stone is quoted as saying that his film will ask how Bush went from being an “alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world.” And recently an early version of the film’s screenplay, titled “Bush” and dated Oct. 15, 2007, was leaked.

Before you soil yourself in excitement, I warn you that this is NOT a “W.” spoiler alert. To say that anything that follows is a spoiler would be in the same vein as saying that the twin towers falling in Stone’s movie “World Trade Center” is a spoiler.

The leaked script begins with Bush and his cronies in the White House deciding what to call their enemies abroad. After a few suggestions such as “Axis of hatred” and “Axis of the unbearably odious,” Bush ends up liking the ring to “Axis of evil.” From there, the film flips back and forth through time, chronicling the life of one of our most esteemed presidents.

Dramatic events such as a drunk Bush challenging his father to a fistfight, a drunk Bush flying and nearly crashing a jet and an assassination attempt by a pretzel will be brought to life in “W.” In some lighter moments we’ll see Bush at his joking best like when he locks Colin Powell out of a meeting and his nicknames for friends like “Turd blossom” for Karl Rove and “Pooty Poot” for Vladimir Putin.

Classic dialogue lovers will surely be quoting “W.” like he was going out of office. Here’s a taste of some of the lines that Brolin will have to regurgitate as Bush:

Bush reassures his then girlfriend that he loves her:

“You’re my gal. I’m as happy as a rabbit in a carrot patch with you.”

After his father tells him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous:

“Thank you, Mr. Perfect. Mr. War Hero. Mr. F—ing-God-Almighty.”

And my personal favorite, when an introspective Bush watches some waves crash against rocks:

“There’s a darkness that follows me… . And no matter how many times I go to church and pray; no matter how hard I try to reach out to the Lord, that darkness still has me hooked.”

“W.” is the story of a boozing boy who lives in the shadow of his father, only to eventually turn his life around to become a powerful man. It’s a story of triumph and redemption in the face of adversary. It’s a story of a president that history will show … last time I checked, it’s a story that isn’t quite finished.

(dramatic pause)

This election season, celebrate the presidency and come on over to the “W.” House.

Sujay is a junior in biochemistry. He thinks that “W.” should be titled “Decider Dubya: In the Shadows of the President: An Original Lifetime Movie.”