It’s Barack Obama’s big night! Democratic National Convention organizers have moved the final evening of the week-long event from the Pepsi Center in downtown Denver to Invesco Field at Mile High, home of the Denver Broncos. It will be there where Obama will be named the party’s candidate, provided he can make a 50-yard field goal to defeat the Bengals. Otherwise the nomination goes to Adam Vinatieri. Rules are rules.

Actually Obama will just come out and give a speech about the future of America and how we all have to blah blah together for blah blah unity or whatever. Unfortunately this is what’s happened to political conventions, which, over 100 years ago, were really exciting. In 1880, for example, the Republicans took 30 ballots to nominate James A. Garfield, and that was only after a compromise wherein, to appease his detractors, he agreed to be assassinated the following September.

But back then the delegates chose the nominee right on the convention floor. Now, the candidates are popularly elected, and everyone knows ahead of time whom it’ll be. This year, for example, the Republicans will nominate John McCain, and the Democrats selected James A. Garfield. No, sorry, McCain hasn’t run against Garfield in 128 years. The Democrats instead nominated Barack Hussein Qadaffi Castro Mussolini Strawberry Shortcake Obama.

They did this very slowly. For those of you watching on TV – or for McCain, who followed via telegraph – the actual nomination sounded something like this: “Ladies and gentlemen, the great state of Wyoming, ‘The Gerund State,’ home of the world’s largest mustard seed, the state that totally does not owe Nebraska $50, is proud to cast our seven-eighths of a vote to whats-his-face, uh, the black one.”

At least I think that’s what happened. I’ve never watched these parts of past conventions, and there was no need to start now. I like to spend that time doing less boring things, like making sure my arm hairs are all the same length.

Things won’t be any better next week at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minn. The theme there will be “Country First,” to honor McCain’s decades and decades and decades and decades of national service, from now as a United States Senator all the way back to his days in the cavalry.

A veritable who’s-who of old white guys will take the podium in support of McCain. The speeches not about McCain will be for McCain, in the sense that he should be able to learn something from them.

For example, on Wednesday night, former eBay CEO Meg Whitman will give a speech explaining the existence of the Internet; former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina will explain the existence of computers; and Tesla Electric Light & Manufacturing CEO Nikola Tesla will explain the existence of electricity.

More notable than who speaks is who’s not going to attend. At least eight GOP Senators are skipping the convention, including Ted Stevens, who is preparing for his trial in Alaska on charges that he may be older than McCain, and Larry Craig, who is flying into Minneapolis for the convention but not expected to leave the airport.

But over 14 people are expected to actually show up for the convention, so for them and the viewing audience at home, here are some speakers to look forward to:

Rosario Marin: The California Secretary of State will spend her time at the podium being a Hispanic woman.

George W. Bush: His speech is about 20 seconds short, so convention organizers will fill the time with a video highlighting all his accomplishments as president.

Dick Cheney: The vice president will give delegates a 30-second head start before he begins hunting them for sport.

Michael Steele: A black guy! Sure, Steele, the only African-American scheduled for a major speech at the convention, is a former one-term lieutenant governor of Maryland who currently holds no elected office. But still: A black guy! Just like Obama!

So get ready for week two of convention-mania, America! It’ll be a rip-roarin’ good time! Somebody wake me when it’s over.

Scott is a third-year law student. He’s voting for Vinatieri.