Your trusty S-ex C-olumn A-nswer M-an goes political

By Scott Green

Your average politician has the sex appeal of a jack-o-lantern, and yet these guys have romantic encounters all the time. Take Eliot Spitzer, for example. The guy looks like Kermit the Frog, but still was able to have sex for less than $5,000.

Think about the recent headlines. John Edwards admitted to an affair with a former staffer. Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Political sex is in the news again, so you need me, your faithful Sex Column Answer Man, more than ever. Because of the sensitive nature of these topics, I will use my maturity and wisdom to handle these topics with all the delicacy of an NFL linebacker. I’m a sex columnist, not a nun.

Question: Why is it surprising that former North Carolina senator and two-time Presidential candidate John Edwards recently admitted to an extramarital affair?

Answer: Because he is actually attractive.

Q: When the scandal broke, did the University of Illinois try to get out of its contract to have him speak October 14?

A: Edwards was asked to pull out. It was hard, but he decided not to come.

Q: Any other puns?

A: No, that’s good for now.

Q: Is there anything to rumors that he fathered a love child?

A: Edwards denied it, but visited his alleged love child in a California hotel, where he was confronted by reporters from the National Enquirer. He tried to elude them by hiding in a restroom.

Q: Why didn’t Edwards use protection?

A: What do you call hiding in a restroom?

Q: How has President Bush gone eight years without a sex scandal?

A: He’s not very good at his job. When Bill Clinton was in office, he was accused of starting the Kosovo War to take attention off his sex life. If Bush were that smart, he’d use sex to take attention off a war.

Q: If Clinton’s so smart, how come he got caught?

A: It wasn’t his fault. There never would have been any scandal if Monica Lewinsky had just kept her mouth shut, several times.

Q: Why is the pregnancy of Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter bad for John McCain’s campaign?

A: It will make Palin a grandmother at 44.

Q: So?

A: At this rate she could be a great-great-grandmother by the time she’s McCain’s age.

Q: If Palin is such an advocate of abstinence-only education, how come her oldest son, Track, was born less than eight months after she was married?

A: She has the ability to gestate a fetus with super-human speed. In fact, she was the inspiration for Womby McUterus, one of the new characters on “Heroes.” This made her way more impressive during McCain’s vetting process than Joe Lieberman’s shape-shifting, Tom Ridge’s tuna breath, and Mitt Romney’s magic underpants.

Q: Magic underpants?

A: Romney is Mormon, and many faithful Mormons wear the “Temple Garment,” full-body underwear meant to encourage modesty and jokingly referred to in the non-Mormon world as “magic underpants.” The former Massachusetts governor has never said whether or not he wears the garment, though it is suspicious that he refused to participate in the swimsuit competition portions of the debates.

Q: Which politician gets the prize for dumbest excuse for his behavior?

A: Florida State Representative Bob Allen, for what he did on July 11, 2007. After offering an undercover police officer $20 to perform “special legislative services,” Allen was arrested and insisted he only made the offer because he was scared of the cop, who is black.

Q: He’d rather people see him as racist than gay?

A: It’s sad that in this day and age it is politically incorrect to be a gay racist.

Q: If he were really worried for his life, why did he offer only $20?

A: Allen may be gay, and he may be racist, but he is NOT some tax-and-spend liberal.

Q: How far back can we trace the public’s mania over politicians’ infidelities?

A: Pretty far. In 1884, for example, Grover Cleveland’s opponents taunted him over an alleged illegitimate love child with chants of “Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?”

Q: So did Cleveland actually have an illegitimate child?

A: Historians now believe the kid’s father was John McCain.

Scott is a third-year law student. He was lying earlier when he said he wasn’t a nun.