Brother Jed and his words of wisdom

By Sujay Kumar

The preacher says we deserve hell. I could’ve told you that, but chances are no one would listen if I didn’t yell.

If you didn’t notice last week, Brother Jed was here letting us know about our eternal damnation.

Now don’t worry, the evangelical preacher didn’t carry signs saying that the world was coming to an end or that the apocalypse was upon us. Take relief that at least you’ll have some time after reading this before the world faces total annihilation.

Instead, Brother Jed sat in a chair outside the Union and yelled wise words of “confrontational evangelism” at those who walked by or gathered in front of him. His message was simple: Since we’ve chosen to sin and rebel against God, we’re all going to hell.

Now I’m well aware that you may think the 111 words I’ve spent up to this point are far, far too many for any newspaper to write about Brother Jed and his pilgrimage through universities across the nation.

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But before you lose faith and dismiss him as just another nutcase wielding an unforgiving Bible and preaching hate, don’t give up just yet.

I was once just like you. Then I witnessed him speak.

It all began when I wandered to the Union one day, alone and in search of something to tide me over until the second coming, or at least my English class. As I sat by the Quad debating the moral consequences of Rice Garden or prolonging my journey to Potbelly’s, my thoughts were interrupted.

Maybe it was how he scolded ambitious, career-minded political women who have the audacity to disagree with his views.

Or perhaps it was the way he pondered how professional prostitutes would remain in business in Champaign-Urbana. As he said, girls these days don’t know how to cook, but they do know how to give a good (use your imag-Satan-ination).

Then again, it could have been the way he criticized the girl selling grilled cheese sandwiches for having no decency because she was wearing a cardboard sign with a picture of underwear.

But it couldn’t have been the mob of students who gathered around him, hands crossed and grins of disbelief across their faces.

It wasn’t the young Saint of Reason who reached beyond the confines of rationale and yelled back at Brother Jed, saying, “You said that we all deserve hell. So you’re going to hell too, man.”

And there is no way in hell it was the other young warrior of truth who, draped in his pajamas and wielding a charming 5 o’clock shadow, stood next to Brother Jed and argued every outrageous statement he made.

When I started to have thoughts about chasing down Brother Jed with a lighter and a can of hair spray, I had my own spiritual awakening – Brother Jed is a nutcase wielding a Bible while preaching some nasty sermons. My days listening to him were over.

I confess I’ve never read Brother Jed’s spiritual autobiography, “Who Will Rise Up.” And some of what he’s said before – for instance, that Mexicans only contribute burritos to society, premarital holding hands is forbidden, God is all for gay men finding a nice lesbian girl and marrying her, and, of course, a very important announcement that “we are on pervert alert, there are fraternity boys in the area” – shows that the man may have a few screws loose.

But he does have a right to free speech, and there is a certain respect to be found for someone who believes in something so passionately that he’s willing to put himself out there without shame, no matter the ridiculousness of what he says.

There’s no point for anyone to try to argue with him, believing that something they’ll say will magically change his way of thinking.

It’s a safe bet that the prospect of eternal damnation will have no more bearing on our everyday lives than it already does.

So in the words of another Brother, I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Or listen to Billy Joel than Brother Jed.

Sujay is a senior in biochemistry, and THE END IS NEAR. The end.