Congratulations, McCain!

We did it. The President-elect is John McCain! We republicans have worked hard to make sure he reached the office that most of his political counterparts would’ve killed for. His inauguration will make history. Just like Senator Obama would have been the first black/Muslim/domestic terrorist president, McCain is the first maverick/90-year-old first term President. Some would say that that is nothing to brag about, but what is old, anyway? Everyone knows 70 is the new 50, which is the new 30, which is the new 12. And if more people at McCain’s age kept working, social security wouldn’t be in its current pickle.

McCain won not only because of his undying (no pun intended) work ethic but also the amazing campaign he ran. I mean he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. Brilliance! Someone to counter everything he wasn’t. She was the youth to his age. She was the female to his male. She was the Cat Woman to his Penguin. Together they made an unstoppable maverick duo, like Bonnie and Clyde meets Ren and Stimpy. No one saw her coming, which I guess is why they call McCain the Maverick.

With the President-elect McCain, all the republican conservative policies will be implemented. Yes, there is a Democratic majority in Congress, but that won’t stop republicans. A maverick like McCain has learned how to “reach across the aisle” for support, by which I mean reaching for his walker. And if that doesn’t work, McCain can just do what Bush 2.0 did: use his executive powers to start a war. There are plenty of deserving countries left. North Korea is still testing bombs and I hear the President of Iran still wishes death to America. So if life gives you lemons, make tomato juice.

So Congratulations, President-elect McCain on your victory and I wish you a long lasting and prosperous next eight years.because I have no place else to go.

Sorry, Senator McCain

Poor Senator McCain. He has tried so hard to reach the Presidency, but once again it slipped out of his grasp. Though he put up a great fight, he couldn’t fight the tall, dark, big-eared embodiment of hope that is Senator – er, President-elect Obama. He tried every play in the Republican handbook and even some that aren’t. He questioned his opponent’s morals, religion and patriotism, but it just wasn’t enough.

What hurts me the most is that I always wanted a President who I could look up to like a grandfather. Someone who would spend hours telling me old war stories, fall asleep at family parties and tell really inappropriate 1950s race jokes. I mean what better way to win over Iranians than to open up negotiations with a good Arab joke. What makes the joke even funnier is that Iranians aren’t Arab!

Though Obama has been announced as the victor, I know the republican party and McCain won’t go down so easily. There is no way that Obama could have won without committing some form of voter fraud. We have already planted the seeds of distrust with our accusations of ACORN. All we need to do is find a picture of Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck voting and we have damning evidence. We all know it is impossible for them to vote because touch screens don’t register with gloves on.

If that doesn’t work, out of the ashes of McCain’s defeat, emerges a phoenix, adorned in a $500 red blazer from Saks Fifth Avenue. Republicans have no fear, Governor Sarah Palin is here. She has managed to make it through the entire election despite looking like a complete idiot. She has proved that anyone can become President as long as they are attractive enough and speak with a cute accent. I mean Americans flocked to her like a bunch of prepubescent boys to a dirty magazine. That same appeal can now be used to launch her federal executive career.

Paul is a senior in computer and political science and hopes he doesn’t have to run across the Quad naked after losing his election bets.