Awkward moments, sponsored by Apple

It’s no secret that Apple’s popularity amongst young people has exploded faster than you can say Feist. Students walk around campus wearing those white earbuds as a fashion statement. Aside from the fact that hearing loss will be a chronic health problem for our generation, we breathe through our Apple products. But still, there are always awkward glitches. I’m not talking about how your MacBook takes forever to wake up; rather I’m referring to those awkward social situations that our Apple products create for us.

iSex. We all create those playlists that scream with anticipation for a bedmate. I’ve seen your “Pure Seduction” mix, and let me tell you no one wants to listen to Death Cab whine as you gently breathe in their ear lobe. Oh, and my heart goes out to that poor girl who lost her virginity to a Dave Matthews song. It’s pretty much a rule of thumb to nix anything too cheesy. That means get rid of “Your Body Is a Wonderland.” Also, if you’re going to turn on your iTunes, make sure you’ve turned on an appropriate album because leaving your music on shuffle can have disastrous results. I’m sorry she didn’t call you back, Jake, but what did you expect to happen after “Dancing Queen” interrupted your flow?

iParents. For those of you who have an iPhone, you know how irritating it can be when your friends say, “OMG! That’s so cool! Can I touch it?!” The answer is still no, so stop asking me. But when your parents ask, you are obligated to let them play with the toy. They did just fork over $200 so you can read fmylife.com while on the toilet. Today, my mom was exploring the many features on my iPhone, and just after she exclaimed, “OMG! There’s a Sudoku application!” she comes into the kitchen to inquire, “Scott, why were you Googling ‘Gravity bong schematics?'” FML.

iVanity. Don’t deny that you enjoy the vanity of Photo Booth. You spend at least 30 minutes practicing that perfect pose which flatters the left side of your face. Don’t forget to pout your lips. Sepia effect + cleavage = new Facebook profile photo. I was recently navigating a friend’s Mac when I got the brilliant idea that we should take pictures. As soon as Photo Booth loaded, my eyes were immediately drawn to the bottom filmstrip where I saw pictures of my friend flexing his shirtless muscles for the camera. “Oh! Don’t look at those. I’m just tracking my progress at the gym.” Progress? Are those boxer-briefs from American Apparel? Didn’t I see this photo on an m4m Craigslist ad?

iDance. When I’m walking on the Quad with my earbuds in, I often wish my life was in silhouette so it wouldn’t look so weird when I dance. “My baby don’t mess around because she loves me so and yes I know fo sho … clap clap clap.” So as I’m bobbing my head to Outkast fantasizing about a colorful two-dimensional commercial, there is inevitably someone walking toward me fashioning a similar head bob “Friday nights and the lights are low, looking out for a place to go …” Just before our silhouette worlds collide head-on, we notice each other’s presence. In order to avoid a crash, we both step aside to let the other pass. Unfortunately we have both just stepped in the same direction. So I then step to the other side and, in a moment of incredulous awkwardness, so has he. And we continue to slide back and forth as we simulate a poorly choreographed iPod commercial, as awkward as if Andre 3000 was starring opposite Meryl Streep in “Mamma Mia!”

Apple’s innovation has been progressive, yet still causes some painfully awkward situations. I admit that I couldn’t live without my iPhone, but Pamela, I swear that message was a typo. I was asking if you had class, not the clap.

Scott is a sophomore in political science and does NOT flush his placenta into the Champaign sewage system.