Satire | Campus Scout | Scout objectively delivers Illinois election guide

By Campus Scout

Fall: red and yellow leaves decorate the sidewalk; pumpkin spice lattes, donuts and candles are on sale again; voting — it’s the American dream packed into one season. It’s an overwhelming, yet heartfelt time.

This fall, we must reconnect with our soul and ask ourselves, who earns our vote? Who represents us? Who do we trust to improve Illinois for years to come?

Do we reelect a man who removed toilets from his mansion to dodge taxes? Or do we elect a farmer who smiles as though he just watched a piece of corn take his wife out to dinner? 

Likewise, the balance of power is at stake in the Illinois Supreme Court. A suburban skirmish, the Democrats’ 4-3 majority relies on two races in Chicago’s northern and southwestern suburbs. With justices’ terms lasting 10 years, if power shifted to Republicans, challenges to Illinois’ pro-choice policies, gun control and bail reform could be re-assessed.

Fortunately, you don’t have to make any decisions. Let Scout’s journalistic expertise make them for you.

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    Governor’s Race: Gov. JB Pritzker v. Darren Bailey

    The marquee race election night will be between Democratic Gov. JB Pritzker and his Republican challenger, Darren Bailey. Since the Supreme Court overturned the already established national protection for abortion, the governor’s race has centered around Illinois’s pro-choice position.

    While states around Illinois have reverted to their medieval norms, Illinois expanded its protection and access in 2019. Likewise, the Center for Reproductive Rights asserted Illinois’s actions under Pritzker were “comprehensive.”

    For those with ads on YouTube, you may be familiar with the same photo of JB “always” standing up for a woman’s right to choose. Dressed in a Clinton-era fuzzy sweater and round, “I’m more than just a billionaire” glasses, the governor’s passionate about you knowing he cared enough to march once in the ’90s.

    Darren Bailey — the smiley southern Illinoisan — sees abortion a tad differently than Pritzker. On his campaign website, Bailey ensures, “As Governor, he will continue to defend innocent life.” Fortunately, Scout had the pleasure of traveling south to sit down with the farmer-turned-politician.

    “Good evening, Mr. Bailey,” said Scout — opening with a smile to match Bailey’s. “I understand how stressful this time is for you, but thank you for sitting down with Campus Scout.”

    Since NBC Chicago reported Bailey compared abortion to the Holocaust, Scout asked to what lengths Bailey would change abortion here.

    “Corn. Family. God,” replied a chipper Bailey. While exchanging goodbyes, Bailey nodded his head and muttered, “Taxes.”

    Illinois’ 13th Congressional District: Nikki Budzinski v. Regan Deering

    Whereas the governor’s race is fueled by big personalities and policies, the congressional race resembles the flat and windy life in central Illinois: Democratic candidate Nikki Budzinski faces Republican Regan Deering.

    Scout discovered Deering is a self-proclaimed “taxpayer” and “homeowner.” Sadly, Budzinski lacks that confirmation, but she does admit she “believes in the American Dream.”

    FiveThirtyEight — the consistently inexact but “pretty” pollster — determines Budzinski to be barely up against Deering. However, the poll dates back to late July and pre-dates the effect the Queen’s death will have on this race.

    Likewise, the two face off in the redesigned 13th district. A renovated district that spans from Champaign to St. Louis — places famously linked by their common cultures, history and geographical proximity. In no way is the district gerrymandered for Democratic advantage. In no way as well would it be embarrassing to Illinois democrats if said district covering numerous metro areas still elects a Republican.

    Other Ballot Stuff

    Scout acknowledges other candidates exist on the ballot, but do they? If Scout doesn’t see their YouTube ads, how can Scout know they’re real?

    There might be a constitutional amendment enshrining collective bargaining and protecting unions, but Scout hasn’t seen an ad for that online. There might be a yard sign or two in Urbana for it. Yet, those are the same homes that profess “love finds home here” but would flinch the second a poor person stopped to rest on their stoop.

    Numerous local officials are also up for election, but Scout hasn’t seen one picture of them online. These individuals may affect our lives immensely more — controlling housing, gun and education policies — but if there aren’t outside forces spending at least a million on the race, is it really an election?

    If we don’t elect a “homeowner” or someone who “believes in the American Dream,” who will? People in Congress sit in Washington D.C. and entertain our social media feeds and emails with their whacky zings. Local officials are available to be directly contacted and can change your community — boring.

    This election, let Scout’s words guide you to your chosen candidates. The search won’t be easy, but this election let’s give it all we have — until 2024, when we’re told to give it all we have, again. And 2026, 2028 and …


    *Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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