Tomorrow is Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day, the magical time of year when all students, regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, singing ability, etc., accidentally step in vomit.

This is because the entire campus spends the day drinking, often setting alarms for 6 a.m. to get a head start. It’s absurd. The only real reason to be consuming alcohol at 6 a.m. is because you haven’t stopped from the previous night.

And with all that drinking comes hookups, so you’ll need me, the Sex Column Answer Man, to guide you through it and also to watch any amateur videos you shoot.

Question: Should I aim for the drunkest girls?

Answer: Absolutely not.

Q: You’re saying it’d be unethical to take advantage?

A: I’m saying it’d be devastating to get rejected by someone with a BAC of 0.20.

Q: How do I know if a girl at a bar is interested in me?

A: Your friends can help you objectively analyze key factors, such as eye contact, her body language, whether you’re on the football team, etc.

Q: What if I’m not?

A: Stare from across the bar, never approach her, and explain to your friends that she’s probably diseased.

Q: There’s another girl I like, but I can’t get near her because her friend keeps interfering. What should I do?

A: You need a wingman. His job is to distract the friend long enough for the one you like to tell you she has a boyfriend.

Q: Okay, I got one back to my place. You got a clever idea to get her in my bed?

A: My mom likes to tell me about the guy who projected his friend’s vacation slides on the ceiling of his fraternity bedroom, to get her to lie on her back.

Q: Did it work?

A: Would I publish the story in a newspaper if it did?

Q: Any advice for executing this plan?

A: Don’t try it on my mother.

Q: What is the proper procedure to warn my roommate I have a girl in our room?

A: Leave a sock on the doorknob.

Q: What if I have two girls?

A: Take pictures.

Q: I’ve been drinking all night. Is that a problem?

A: Too much alcohol and you won’t be able to tap your keg.

Q: I don’t follow.

A: Your pilsner will be flat.

Q: Oh! You mean my Guinness won’t be stout.

A: Also, you could wake up next to a real Hefeweizen.

Q: How do I know if a girl is too drunk to consent?

A: Ask someone who knows her well, such as her father.

Q: If a drunken hookup leads to pregnancy, do you recommend a certain extreme measure to keep things from getting out of hand?

A:Yes, leave town immediately.

Q: I mean abortion.

A: The Sex Column Answer Man isn’t touching that one with a 10-foot pilsner.

Q: What should I tell my friend now that he’s wound up with a girl and I haven’t?

A: That chasing drunk coeds at bars and parties is an emotionally hollow pursuit, and his life won’t be any better for it.

Q: Is that true?

A: No.

Q: So I tried all your advice, but it didn’t work.

A: Yeah, it never worked for me either.

Q: Why is there a sock on my doorknob?

A: I have no idea. Walk in and ask.

Scott is a third-year law student. His mother will not date you.