How ‘The Binge’ stole finals

By Camron Owens

Finals season is upon us, but please read my column. It’s a topical new story, from the top to the bottom. It’s the story of two paths. One you must choose. It’s about something being stolen, just like the Whos. It’s a story about Netflix and managing time. It’s told in a different way, in that of a rhyme Cut me some slack for the bad usage of grammar. Rhyming isn’t my strong point; I’m not MC Hammer. 

Every student in C-U hated finals a lot. Studying was ‘pointless and boring!’ they thought.

After class they returned to their residence halls. They purposely avoided their parents’ phone calls.

It was time to unwind from school and from cliques. It was time to log on to a site called Netflix.

The shows, they were calling. They begged for a binge! “How I Met Your Mother!” “Breaking Bad!” Even “Fringe!”

Don’t ask me why I binge-watch. I don’t know the reason, but when it comes to “The Office,” I’ve seen every season.

But I need to stop watching. I really must study. Finals are coming and my tests will look bloody. 

They’ll be red from the marks of all I got wrong. But I’ll study after “New Girl,” with guest star Justin Long.

But after that episode, I continued to watch. Then I realized the time as I looked at my Swatch.

What happened? What had I done with my time? I just wanted to see “Dexter” solve that darn crime!

“My future is doomed,” I exclaimed with great fear. “My finals are coming! They’re practically here!” 

“That’s it.” I said, “This is where Netflix ends.” “I’ll see you in January, when you’ve added ‘Friends.’”

I logged off of the site. My hand formed a fist. “Video streaming is over! I’m done with ‘My List!’”

So I sat at my desk with much to review. I would not continue watching “House of Cards” season two.

I sat and studied with a lump in my throat. I can’t memorize this! Can it be open note?!

I’ll study all night. No sleeping! No showers! Tell me, why didn’t I study or attend office hours?

I should’ve been prepping for final exams, not binge-watching Netflix and going to KAM’S.

Do I dare get on Compass and look at my scores? They’ll be even worse than the UGL doors!

Do I regret binge-watching? No! I loved “Breaking Bad.” I just hate disappointing my dear mom and dad.

The worst part, I thought, dear girls and boys, was that my final was in room 100 Noyes.

That’s the one thing I hated, that it was in Noyes! Oh Noyes. Noyes! Noyes! Noyes! 

My desk was so small! That uncomfortable chair! Less leg-room than a passenger on U.S. Air. 

Perhaps this was karma, punishment for pressing play, but when I started “Bates Motel,” I wasted a whole day.

I put on my outfit. Some orange and some blue. If only my test was about using Hulu.

I got on the bus, the great Yellowhopper. It made frequent stops like a holiday shopper.

I walked through the Quad, Spotify in my ear. Will this test be that bad? Am I right to feel fear? 

I pondered unemployment. Will I get referrals? Running through life like the beloved campus squirrels? 

My worries must cease. My time, it is gone. It’s time to fill out my name on a Scantron. 

And what happened next, well the Urbana people say, my GPA shrunk three sizes that day. 

I know now to better manage my time. Not too much Netflix or Amazon Prime.

Please learn from my story, dear classmates and friends. Study! Don’t use Netflix. It’s not worth the binge.

Camron is a junior in LAS. He can be reached at [email protected]