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Editorial: Five steps to bandwagoning the Chicago Cubs

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Editorial: Five steps to bandwagoning the Chicago Cubs

Where were you Saturday night?

Were you out dancing like nobody was watching? At home scooping from a tub of Breyers with Ross and Rachel’s first (second? third? eighth?) break-up blaring through the speakers?

If you were anywhere other than in front of a television showing the baseball game, you missed out on the Chicago Cubs clinching a World Series berth for the first time since 1945.

With seemingly the entire campus celebrating the Cubs’ fortune, it might feel like you’re missing out on the fun. But that’s where we come in.

Truth be told, there’s never been a better time in our lives to jump on the Cubs bandwagon. For those of you who are worried about transitioning into hardcore Joe Maddon worship in so little time, we’ve put together five easy (and a bit sarcastic) steps to seem like a true diehard.

1. Wear a jersey, any jersey

How are people possibly going to know you like sports if you don’t have some sort of team apparel? But this poses a problem for the truly spontaneous bandwagoner: Game One is Tuesday night. Sure, Amazon Prime has same-day pick-up at the Union now, but not all of us are willing to shell out for that kind of service. Luckily, there’s a dirty sports secret that nobody wants you to know: You don’t need to wear a Cubs jersey to root for the team. It helps, but people will still get the point if you wear that Chicago Blackhawks sweater you bought during your last Chicago sports binge in 2010. Frankly, you could even wear that Tune Squad jersey you bought for Halloween last year; everybody around you will be so drunk that they can’t tell the difference between Kris Bryant and Bugs Bunny anyway.

2. Keep your social media brand strong

#FlyTheW, #LetsGo, #GoCubsGo — tape these hashtags to your forehead if that’s what it takes for people to respect your passion for the lovable no-longer-losers. Few things are more critical to survival in today’s world than a crisp tweet posted within 45 seconds of the game’s conclusion. Last resort? Employ your trusted friend who has Photoshop experience to edit a Cubs jersey into your cutest baby photo. That stuff just blows up with the 40-years-and-over demographic on Facebook, and it lets your peers know you’re an OG fan unlike these other charlatans.

3. Know your personnel

Remember that dust-covered pack of flashcards your mom insisted that you’d use for midterms? Well, somehow, those finally have a use. Make a card for every key player and be sure to know at least one statistic or trait that defines them. Sure, Jon Lester is one of the best pitchers in baseball this year, but did you know that he is physically incapable of throwing to first base? Congratulations — you’ve now surpassed the 90th percentile of Cubs knowledge on campus. Oh, and don’t forget to mention Steve Bartman any time there’s a lull in the conversation.

4. Embrace the little things

You already know everybody is looking at your laptop during class to see what kind of sick YouTube videos are getting you through physics today, so why not take advantage of their curiosity? Change your laptop and phone backgrounds to Cubs-related visuals to help complete your new look and show those wandering eyes that you’re never not thinking baseball. Looking for a final touch? Slap on a fresh laptop sticker so even your professor feels pressured to burst into a rendition of “Go Cubs Go” when you enter the room. 

5. Go to Wrigleyville

Those of you from the Chicago suburbs already know how much a well-publicized trip to Wrigleyville can upgrade your social status. For the uninitiated, this is perhaps the single most critical step of the entire metamorphosis. If you invest just five hours of driving and some illicit substances into a Wrigleyville trip, you can turn your fandom facade into a full-blown alternate persona. If the other steps represent bases one, two and three, this is where you hit the walk-off bomb and touch home … or something like that.

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