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Editorial: A letter from Alma, with love

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Editorial: A letter from Alma, with love

Jessica Jutzi

Jessica Jutzi

Jessica Jutzi

Jessica Jutzi

To thy happy children (of the present),

I know my inscription talks about the children of the future, but I’ll write to them when they get to campus. Right now, it’s all about you, and you have a busy weekend ahead. Homecoming, Halloween and the World Series — Go Cubs Go — all in a three-day span? Yikes.

But don’t panic! We can do this. Our family has championed weekends like this for longer than I can remember. Illini are tough, and Illini don’t quit, either, which means you need to prepare and pace yourself.

Maybe, just maybe, you should stay in on Thursday — I know you love your brothers, but you can share Long Islands with them next week.

You know, you could just make sure your assignments are all done for Monday, catch up on your shows, exfoliate, get a good night’s sleep … just a thought.

On Friday, make yourself a good, hearty breakfast. I’m sorry I’ll be at work, welcoming people to campus, but you know I’d love to be making my world-famous pancakes for you instead. Follow that up with a solid lunch and dinner — this is important for Saturday, too, honey.

My lessons are almost always universal. I think we’ve covered safe and smart drinking enough in your years here, so just remember the basics and be careful.

Now, about that Halloween costume. According to my Apple Weather app, it’s going to be a little chilly out there. Just bring a sweater, OK?

I know, I know, witches don’t wear sweaters, but you’re a trendsetter! Wear a sweater and next Halloween, people will completely skip the witch costume and just dress up as sweaters. I promise. And don’t forget to keep your costume appropriate — don’t wear anything Alma wouldn’t approve of.

Finally, if you want to have friends over, that’s totally fine, just please don’t make too much of a mess. You’re always so helpful around the house, and I appreciate it so much, but when you drink, well, you’re kind of a slob. The Main Quad is the nicest room in our home; you really shouldn’t bring garbage around there anyway.

And I know the nice folks over at Cracked would be horrified to know that you just toss your tinfoil somewhere in Frat Park after you finish your Morning Bender.

One day I won’t be around to pick up after you, and what are you going to do then? Live in a pile of garbage, seriously contributing to the rapidly increasing temperature of our planet? Speaking of heat, is it hot in here? I feel like it’s a little hot in here.

Alright. So, remember, eat well, pace yourself, dress for the weather and clean up after yourself, got it? Thanks for listening. Have fun this weekend! Be good!

P.S.  Can you help me figure out why my phone keeps Facetiming people from my pocket?



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