Satire | Campus Scout | Counseling Center declares victory over depression
May 3, 2021
In an effort surely to inspire the masses, the University’s Counseling Center announced it had completed its annual 2020-2021 academic year review Friday.
Publishing their extensive review following a tumultuous year, spectators were stunned when the center disclosed that this school year had been the best on record for student mental health.
Nonetheless, an enlisted, dependable source was on the scene for Scout and detailed the bombshell news from the Counseling Center.
“Representatives of the University Counseling Center were completely thrilled to report a substantial decrease in depression rates in surveys filled out by the student population over the past year. The Counseling Center reps credit the decrease to COVID-19 resetting the standards for loneliness and isolation.
“‘As COVID-19 forced the entire nation into social distancing and conventional public social interaction decreased, depressed individuals felt less unnaturally lonely and removed from society,’” said clinical counselor Dr. Janet Franklin.
“‘We’re all miserable now. They (the depressed) don’t have to feel sad about being stuck inside for the tenth Saturday night in a row or about not having sex in fourteen months. Everyone’s lives equally suck now.’” Dr. Franklin later asserted this year proved that digital comradery triumphs therapy and praised the mental health Massmails sent over the past semesters.
“‘There was a remarkable positive correlation between Massmails discussing mental health and students’ overall well being. Going forward, we definitely look forward to diverting more of our resources to Massmails.’”
“‘We’re all in this together, and that’s what crucially lifts the spirits of those depressed or depressed-in-waiting,”
Dr. Franklin concluded. Scout vehemently thanks his source for this magnificent news. Scout, moreover, sends profound gratitude to the Counseling Center for their fantastic transparency and thorough study.
Besides the announcement that the Counseling Center will transfer services into Massmails, Scout also learned that with this tremendous data, students will be trusted more than ever to handle their own mental health.
Similarly, amidst nonsensical rumors of improper funding, the center revealed fresh plans for the 2021-2022 year.
In addition to limiting accessibility towards counseling, the Center’s supplementary proposal for individual, digital stress balls delivered over Massmails is a promising and formidable remedy against misery for subsequent semesters.
Described as ‘Cookie Clicker,’ but instead of clicking for-profits, individuals will click away their stress and/or depression. The Counseling Center aspires for further ‘cyber-counseling’ methods next year.
Still, Scout remains reserved over University mental health services. For instance, if the review exposes few psychological ailments within the student population, why change anything?
Certainly, the Counseling Center would not want to ruin a great thing — even if next year’s encouraging project is digital, “cookie-clicking” stress balls?
Nevertheless, one can only hope that the Counseling Center forges ahead with its newfound luster. The search continues.
*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*
*If you are seeking counseling, contact the Counseling Center at 217-333-3704, Monday through Friday between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.*
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