The Daily Illini

Satire | Campus Scout | Scout's scoops unveil climactic, transformative year

Satire | Campus Scout | Scout’s scoops unveil climactic, transformative year

By Campus Scout May 10, 2021

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of deciding between straws and funnels, it was the age of ranking whether Pfizer or Moderna was better — no shade, Johnson & Johnson...

Satire | Campus Scout | Counseling Center declares victory over depression

Satire | Campus Scout | Counseling Center declares victory over depression

By Campus Scout May 3, 2021

In an effort surely to inspire the masses, the University’s Counseling Center announced it had completed its annual 2020-2021 academic year review Friday. Publishing their extensive review following...

Satire | Campus Scout | Midnight Memorial Stadium debacle avoids societal endgame

Satire | Campus Scout | Midnight Memorial Stadium debacle avoids societal endgame

By Campus Scout April 26, 2021

Memorial Stadium stood silent Saturday night as the crowd sat shocked succeeding a screening of Marvel’s “Avengers: Endgame.” In a scene experts described as “Ever Given-esque, but replace the...

Satire | Campus Scout | Return of the Scout

Satire | Campus Scout | Return of the Scout

By Campus Scout April 19, 2021

Beneath the interconnected tunnels of campus and through the shattered Armory windows, Scout rises. Ascending above the weathered — or possibly coffee-stained — sidewalks of C-U, but not eclipsing...

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