The creation mythos of graduation

By Yoav Margalit, Staff Writer

In the beginning, there was nothing. But the University wanted to teach people and make money. It saw it could not make money without tuition, so the University created the student. And the student paid way too much, and the University saw this was good.

But the University saw the student had become lonely, so the University created the freshman to make the student feel like she or he had learned something. The student was still confused.

“What is the difference between the freshman and me?” the student would ask.

So the University created the sophomore and the junior and told them they needed to pay up.

But the student, after seeing the freshman, realized he or she was, in fact, still not learning anything. And so, the University sought to create a professor. But this stupendous task was beyond even the vast powers of the University. For many days and nights, the University pondered and considered the nature of the conundrum. Finally, one day, the University conceived its master stroke; it graduated the student, so he or she might be hired as a professor.

And graduation was created, or so the legend says.

Graduation was created to elevate all manner of things. From the student to cylinder, all things across the land were graduated, and the University saw it could charge a cool $300 for the ceremony, and that was very good.

But then the student began to complain the professor was not very good at his or her job.

“They barely know more than I do,” chuckled the student. “Why don’t they actually learn something before teaching me?”

And the University heard the student and contemplated this problem for a time. Then, it created the graduate student — basically the student, but graduated. But not a professor yet. Because reasons.

The University looked on at the world it had created and nodded in satisfaction, for the world it had created had much beauty and financial stability. But for some extra funding, it created some sports teams, and those teams played sports, and the University sold tickets, and it was good. Once the student graduated and the freshman became the sophomore who became the junior, the University found more chumps to buy an education, or so it was then known.

But as the years went by, the new students began to say they could not afford to pay so much, and the University realized it was not good to let a degree in culinary arts place one in financial distress. So, the University created subsidized student loans, and everyone saw it was good.

Wait, that part hasn’t happened yet? Why? What the hell, guys? Can we get on this? Doesn’t just about everyone need a college degree to get a decent job these days? Why do I need to sign away my firstborn just to—

But I digress.

This humble story says nothing of the building of the ARC before the flood of sweaty people, nor of the plights within the book of job offers. We have no time for these tales’ accountings, for ours is still more important.

Yoav is a senior in LAS.

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