BoSox. Yankees. ALCS. Haven’t we been here before?

If Boston doesn’t win this series, the Sports Guy from ESPN.com might kill himself, the Red Sox organization might cease to exist, and all of Bean Town might never recover.

Larry Bird and Kevin McHale would have to come out of retirement and win a championship for the Celtics just to keep the city functioning.

In order to uplift people’s spirits, Ted Danson would have to buy a bar in Boston, name it Cheers, and answer to the name Sam “Mayday” Malone.

Nomar Garciaparra would have a chuckle with his wife Mia while adjusting his mitt and batting gloves in front of the TV.

If the Red Sox don’t get it done this year, they can only blame themselves. A message to Boston fans: if you lose, please don’t blame Babe Ruth, Bill Buckner or Aaron Boone.

The theme of this series for the BoSox should be “No Excuses.” The bottom line is they have a better team than the Yankees this season.

They also have plenty of players who were around last year to experience the pressure and exhilaration of a playoff series against the Evil Empire.

Boston can have Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez starting four of the possible seven games in the series.

Schilling might be the best big game pitcher in baseball, and Martinez is the best number two hurler in the league. I don’t care what Pedro did to end the regular season, I want the ball in his hands when the post season rolls around.

The Yankees lineup top to bottom is ridiculous, but I’ve got a hunch Pedro and Schilling will be able to tame it. Bronson Arroyo and Tim Wakefield, the third and fourth Red Sox starters, will be the X-factors in this series.

If Arroyo or Wakefield can even snag one victory between the two of them, Boston will be in great shape.

Boston’s lineup scored the most runs in the league this season, and it is showing no signs of slowing down.

David Ortiz has been a man-child. He has been producing at a Roy Hobbs-like clip for practically the entire year. Luckily, Ortiz doesn’t have to deal with an evil owner or the attractive yet conniving blond vixen.

Johnny Damon has been swinging the bat well lately. And you can always expect Manny Ramirez to put up huge numbers in the playoffs.

A daring move in the middle of the season by General Manager Theo Epstein brought two solid everyday players in exchange for Nomar. The deal vastly improved the team’s putrid defense.

Meanwhile, the Yankees are no longer the juggernaut that won four titles in five years. They are lacking veteran starting pitchers Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite and David Wells.

Jon Lieber is a solid pitcher but not the quality of a Clemens or a Pettite. Javier Vazquez has struggled recently. Kevin Brown and El Duque are both trying to recover from nagging injuries.

El Duque has a dead arm. Isn’t there somebody on the Yanks’ training staff that can wake it up? I mean, come on, this is October!

But this October, I don’t want to hear “New York, New York” blaring out of the Yankee Stadium speakers. I would rather hear Bostonians talk about how wicked-good their Red Sox were in 2004.

It is time for the baseball misery to end for all New Englanders.

Jacob Bressler is a senior in communications. He can be reached at [email protected].