When you watch sporting events on television, you always see somebody in the crowd holding a sign saying that they want a specific player or coach to run for president.

This week, I had some sports issues on my mind so I decided to go along with the political motif for Election Tuesday.

This of course is absolutely pointless, but I figured I’d try to entertain some people until John Kerry is named the real Commander-in-Chief later tonight.

Without further ado, I bring to you my administration.

PRESIDENT

I’m going to have to go with Da Coach, Iron Mike Ditka.

It is obvious that the Chicago Bears organization has been an embarrassment since Ditka’s removal as head coach in 1992.

It seems as though Bears fans are now content with trying to win seven or eight games a season and are genuinely excited about a lackluster 23-13 win on Sunday night against a lowly 49ers team in which a molecular geneticist started at the helm for Chicago because of the front office’s inability to sign a backup quarterback in the offseason.

I choose Ditka not because I necessarily agree with his political views, but rather because he is the last coach to lead the Monsters of the Midway to a Super Bowl victory.

He was the last Bears coach with personality who brought a winning, no-nonsense attitude to the entire organization.

I want somebody who is going to be able to tell it like it is and to not be shy about feelings regarding issues he thinks are relevant in society, such as the halfback dive up the middle and the amount of deep dish pizza in circulation.

Finally, Ditka would be the first president who would get extremely inebriated before events such as singing the seventh inning stretch at Wrigley Field or giving the State of the Union Address.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

The nod here has to go to Deion Sanders after making a comeback to the NFL this season with the Baltimore Ravens.

Sanders proved two weeks ago that he still has something left in his Hall of Fame tank, as he intercepted two passes and returned one for a touchdown.

After a few years of insightful commentary as an in-studio analyst for CBS, Prime Time is still showing the football-loving community how important a true shutdown corner can be for a team.

In Sanders’ prime, he changed the whole landscape of games for the Falcons, 49ers and Cowboys.

Opposing teams only threw to one side of the field because of the fact that Sanders was completely dominating the receiver he was guarding.

Deion has impacted the way that organizations view the importance of a shutdown cornerback. This was evident in the offseason when the Broncos traded all-pro running back Clinton Portis to the Redskins for cover-corner Champ Bailey.

It is also clear by now that Sanders is one of the greatest athletes of all time. He probably would have been a perennial all-star in baseball had he not chosen to focus on the gridiron.

SECRETARY OF SELFISHNESS

Terrell Owens is the obvious choice here after his pathetic display on Sunday as his Philadelphia Eagles stayed unbeaten with a win against the Baltimore Ravens.

Owens was originally traded to Baltimore in the offseason but refused the deal and has been fighting vocally with Ravens star linebacker Ray Lewis ever since.

After Owens scored the game-clinching touchdown, he mocked Lewis by imitating the linebacker’s trademark dance (it is kind of a cross between Elaine Benes’ leg kicks and Jamal Anderson’s dirty bird from 1998).

Even though Owens claims that he and Lewis are friends, he still should not ridicule the game’s most dominating defensive player.

It was bad enough that Owens refused a trade to the Ravens; he shouldn’t have to taunt them, even if he has been the best wide receiver in the league this year.

T.O. and Eli Manning should get together one of these days and discuss how utterly spoiled and selfish they are.

Some of you might be wondering where Ron Turner is on this administration. I figured that picking the Illini coach would be a little too realistic-after all, who knows what career Turner will choose next.

Jacob Bressler is a senior in communications. He can be reached at [email protected].