Column: Slight chance of transactions

By Nathan Grimm

This weather sucks.

I can’t believe there was a time when I looked forward to this with anticipation. I’ve forgotten why I wasn’t just content with the days when the vents in my apartment blew cold air because they were supposed to.

But there is hope, not too long ago there remained a symbol of all things warm and good. Just weeks have passed since the end of the Fall Classic and only a matter of months separates us from another opening day.

And here, in the midst of winter hell, baseball exists again, if only for a split second.

Monday marked the beginning of baseball’s annual winter meetings, a time when baseball executives from every team get together and see who can make the biggest headlines.

Players’ names are dropped at will. Trade rumors get fabricated by the second. I’ve already been traded four times, and all they’ve got on me are my stats from the 1992 CBSL little league season.

In a week when activity is the name of the game, the biggest waves will be made by the teams most willing to wheel and deal. Big names and big contracts are available for the right price, and if you’re not in on the sweepstakes, then you’re in the minority.

Even before the meetings have begun to heat up, some players are already packing their bags in anticipation. And while their mansions are being prepared to hit the open market, all any player can do is sit with the rest of the world and wait.

“But Nathan,” you plead, “I must know NOW! I can’t take all the suspense!”

And to that I have two responses. First, pull yourself together! Nobody likes a whiner. Secondly, and more relevant, your wish will be granted. I’ve taken the biggest names on the trading block and looked into their futures to see what they hold.

Manny Ramirez – Along with his huge bat, Ramirez sports a huge disrespect for authority. He doesn’t like being told what to do – you know, coaching. His immense talent is the only thing keeping any teams interested in the chase for Manny.

Although many teams will make offers to the Red Sox for Ramirez, he will eventually end up being dealt to a local boarding school for two well-behaved young gentlemen and a sweater vest to be named later.

Barry Zito – The last remaining member of Oakland’s Big Three, Zito finds himself on the block going into the winter meetings in Dallas. Nearly the antithesis of Ramirez, Zito isn’t being shopped around for causing problems. Oakland is thrifty and Zito might be out of their range when he becomes a free agent, thus making him available.

Zito, unfortunately for his suitors, won’t take well to being moved away from the west coast, where he can surf and play his guitar freely. Zito will retire from baseball, permanently settle in southern California, and will be seen on season eight of MTV’s “Laguna Beach.”

The entire Florida Marlins team – yeah, basically the same one that won the World Series a few years ago – is running out of time in Miami, and the fire sale is a good indicator that they’re all but done.

See something you like? It can be yours for the low, low price of a minor leaguer or two. Unsure of which one you want? Heck, buy the whole lot! The Marlins will soon be done in Florida, marking the return of Bingo as the most competitive sporting event in the state.

Oh yeah – speaking of Florida, did I mention that this weather sucks?

Nathan Grimm is a sophomore in ALS. He can be reached at [email protected]