Humans will colonize Mars before this year’s Illini defeat Ohio State

Imagine yourself in the north end zone stands at Memorial Stadium, surrounded by Illini football players. Imagine yourself running down Green Street in a state of pure euphoria. Imagine yourself yelling ILL-INI and various Buckeyes-themed obscenities until you have no voice left.

That’s what I experienced three years ago. The players rushed the stands twice in 2007 — after wins against Penn State and Wisconsin — and a mob met at the Alma Mater and flooded Green Street following the Illini’s upset of No. 1 Ohio State in Columbus, Ohio.

I want nothing more than for current freshmen, sophomores and juniors to feel what I felt that night, and because of that, I want nothing else than for the Illini to shock the college football world again with an upset this Saturday.

Could it happen? Sure. Will it happen? Simply — and sadly — the answer is no.

I’d give the Illini about a 10 percent chance to shock the Buckeyes in Champaign, and that may even be a bit high. If the Orange and Blue are even close in this game, it’ll be a victory in my book.

So, without further ado, here’s my way of expressing my prediction for Saturday’s contest — a depressing list of events that are more likely to occur than Illinois upsetting Ohio State.

1. We set up a civilization on Mars over the weekend. Ain’t happening — just Google the phrase “Why can’t we live on Mars?”.

2. Reggie Bush changes his mind and wants his Heisman back. Why does he need it? He makes a trillion dollars a year and dates people who are famous for no reason.

3. Tim Tebow throws five touchdowns and runs for another three against the Colts on Sunday. I heard he’s the No. 3 QB for the Broncos now. Who knows? Maybe God will help him out.

4. I get an A on my exam in Severe and Hazardous Weather that I took Thursday. I need to start going to that class — sorry Snodgrass!

5. Terrelle Pryor transfers to Illinois so he can get in on the basketball team’s Final Four run. Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea. Get on it, Bruce.

6. Brett Favre’s arm falls off while throwing sometime this season. Oh wait, this isn’t a list of things that will definitely happen? My bad.

7. The Chief makes a comeback as the symbol of the University. Don’t see that happening any time soon.

8. No Illini football players have run-ins with the law for the rest of the year. This one stands without explanation.

9. The Red Grange statue outside of Memorial Stadium hooks up with the Alma Mater. Hey, it’s been awhile since either one’s had some action.

10. Ohio State’s bus (plane?) breaks down, leaving the team stranded somewhere in Indiana. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

So there you have it. Ten hilarious events more likely to happen than an Illinois upset against Ohio State on Saturday. Hope I made you laugh more than feel depressed.

Have fun, and enjoy the fall before a painful winter arrives.

Alex Iniguez is a senior in Media. He can be reached at [email protected] Follow him on Twitter at @alexiniguez.