The Daily Illini

What to do if you weren't named Illinois' athletic director

By Kevin McCarthy

#Illini columnist Kevin McCarthy is at a loss now that Josh Whitman took his job. Where does he go from here?

Josh Whitman took my job.

To say I’m disappointed that I didn’t get the job would be an understatement. I feel worse for the fans who wanted me in office.

I know you’re disappointed, Illinois. For that, I am truly sorry.

If the University wasn’t going to hire me, I think Josh Whitman was the next best choice. I waxed poetic about Whitman’s introductory press conference in my column last week. He’s the man.

Since I had planned on accepting the athletic director job, I have been working to clear my schedule. Now, I have plenty of free time on my hands.

I wanted to update my faithful readers on my life. Here are a few endeavors I’m considering now that both the athletic director and head football coach positions have been filled.

Try out for the football team

Bill Cubit is going to want me to play quarterback, obviously. My 6-foot-3 frame makes me an ideal pocket passer. Not to mention, I can run like a gazelle. This dual-threat capability makes me a nightmare for opposing defenses.

It will be more difficult to find a position for me defensively, but I know that Coach is going to want me to play both sides of the ball.

I’d have to gain 100 pounds to play defensive line and that doesn’t seem healthy. Maybe I’ll just stick to playing quarterback and returning kickoffs. I could be the next Devin Hester.

Run for president

If Donald Trump can do it, so can I. Don’t tell me that I have to meet the age requirement. Haven’t you heard? You only need to meet two out of the three presidential requirements these days. Since I’ve lived in the ol’ USA for 14 years and am a naturalized citizen, I’m good to go.

I hope you overly sensitive children can realize that last part was a joke.

Apply to be chancellor of the University

Look, the athletic department figured me out. I was extremely unqualified to coach the football team or be the athletic director. I couldn’t fool them.

I think I could scoot through for a while in the chancellor role before anyone realizes that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Who knows what a chancellor even does? I’m sure they do a lot of “chancelling” — that’s not even a word, but I would bet they do it.

I can do that too.

Learn how to fold a fitted sheet

I just really like that commercial that’s out right now about this. But, seriously, I do want to know how. Please let me know — tweet, email or communicate with me via carrier pigeon — if you have any tips.

Start preparing myself to apply to be the head men’s basketball coach

John Groce can only afford one more bad year before he gets the hook. When that time comes, I’ll be ready.

I think the basketball team needs a coach with a little more hair. The entire athletic department needs more hair. Between Whitman, Cubit and Groce — that’s a lot of shiny heads.

As far as actual reasons why I deserve the job: for now, I’ll say this. I used to fill up water bottles for the good players on my sophomore basketball team.

I know what it takes to be a winner on the hardwood.

Figure out why professors are goofy dressers

What’s with the patches on the sport coat? The tweed blazer was enough, I don’t think you need reinforcements for your elbows.

Why are you wearing a beret? A scarf? It’s 60 degrees outside. Professors have dressed like weirdos for ages, it’s time to figure out why. This is dissertation material.

Get jacked

It’s clear that I was discriminated against for my lack of muscles in the athletic director selection. I can’t say that I blame the current administration.

Josh Whitman is totally ripped and I look like a beanstalk.

The athletic department should’ve branded his presser: “Welcome to the Josh Whitman Gun Show.”

Since you cannot buy pythons like those at the pet shop, I need to start hitting the gym. I’m going to ask Whitman for a copy of his training regimen.

If that job ever opens up again, I need to be yoked.

Start writing romantic poetry

I’m just kidding.

Become more sarcastic

I really think that this is an area of my writing that I could improve. I’m so serious all the time. I never mock anyone, and I don’t make snide remarks — that’s just not me. But maybe, just maybe, I could be a wee bit more sarcastic.

Get a better mug shot taken

My old one was horrible. In fact, two of my dear aunties used to constantly harass me about it. Then, I got a new one taken which was equally bad. I’m now on mug shot No. 3. We’ll see how this one goes over with my fans.

Closing thoughts

To be perfectly honest, I’m completely content with just writing columns.

Although it would’ve been nice to get the AD job, I couldn’t have done that gig in my underwear.

That’s probably the best part of my current job.

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