The 5 sports jerseys you'll see on Unofficial at Illinois
March 2, 2016
Sports jerseys may as well be legally required to get into campus bars. So much so that they seem to be more important than actually being of legal age.
But that’s a discussion for another day.
I’ve seen every jersey from Donald Duck to Yao Ming on Green Street. There’s a lot of in-between on that scale, by the way. Kirk Hinrich falls in there somewhere.
I wanted to prepare my readers for what jerseys they should expect to see on Friday. Plus, I’ve included a little bit of advice on how to handle these individuals. Here’s the five sports fans you’ll meet on Unoffical St. Patrick’s Day.
5. Boston Celtics
The Celtics are definitely the most Irish-influenced professional sports franchise in America. When I make it to the NBA, I plan on playing for the Celtics. “McCarthy” would look awfully cool next to the shamrock.
If you see a dude in a Ray Allen jersey, partner with him for beer pong. This kid will be lethal from downtown. If you see a frat star donning a Bob Cousy jersey, ask him to pass you a drink. Cousy is still one of the greatest passers in NBA history.
4. Green Bay Packers
Avoid these people at all costs.
I repeat: Avoid these people at all costs. The only thing a Packer fan can offer your party is a bag of cheese curds. I recommend shaking them down for their curds and kicking them out.
“Oh, yah, hey dare. Ya guys got any Old Milwaukee?”
No. We also don’t want people of your kind anywhere near us. Please don’t cross our borders ever again.
3. Michigan State
As the Big Ten’s only green team, these kids will stick out like sore thumbs. Surely there will be plenty of Iowa and Indiana students on our campus, but we won’t be able to pick them out — unless you ask them for their ACT scores.
That was a joke. I almost went to Indiana myself — but the signed-napkin I sent in, which they call an application, got lost in the mail.
If you do see a student wearing a green Michigan State jersey, you should probably throw seedless fruit at them. Pro tip: they make seedless watermelons these days for this type of thing.
2. Seattle Supersonics
You may see a true frat-star rocking an old Shawn Kemp or even a Kevin Durant jersey. It really doesn’t get any better than that. You’re guaranteed to be a cool dude wearing a Sonics’ jersey.
1. Chicago Blackhawks
You’ve seen the green St. Patrick’s day Blackhawks sweaters. They’re fantastic.
Old timer Hawks’ fans disagree with me. They believe the jerseys are blasphemous to the classic red sweater. One time I was rocking a green Blackhawks jersey when I met the legendary Bobby Hull. He told me he loved it.
If “The Golden Jet” is cool with them, you should be too.
I must warn you: Beware of false Blackhawks’ fans who come bearing the Indian head to disguise their true identity. Ask them to name a player who doesn’t wear number 88 or 19 — if they pass that test, ask them what icing is. If they start talking about birthday cake, find a new friend. There’s a lot of wannabes out there.
I don’t want to sound like your mother, but please be careful this Unofficial.
If it isn’t your thing, no worries. Feel free to stop by my apartment for a game of Scrabble. Hot tea will be served, as well.
Have fun out there. But please, please, please — drink responsibly.
I’ll close with a Winston Churchill quote for all of you who are planning to attend a “kegs and eggs” party.
“When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.”
Eat your eggs before you tap your kegs, Illinois.
Kevin is a sophomore in Media.