Election outcome

By Justin Shlensky

Now that the smoke has cleared, students and staff have taken their quick power-naps after binge-drinking half-way into a coma, and the streets are starting to resemble campus once again, we can finally declare the president-elect.

After waiting for what seemed like decades just to voice our opinion, take to the polls and actually vote, the aftermath of Election Day has risen from the shadows and confirmed Barack Obama as the people’s choice.

It sure was a tough election year. With the zombies of Dick Cheney and Karl Rove attempting to descend upon the American people with yet another four years of golden showers, the Democrats countered with their California Pancake, New York Subway Smash, Oregon Snail Trail, Hawaiian Coffeebag, and my all time favorite, the Chicago Sunrise.

Yes, we employed all of these techniques with the finesse, dexterity, stamina, and confidence needed in order to withstand the failed onslaught the Republican Party tried to throw at us including, but not limited to, the Alabama Crab Dangle, Alaskan Ice Dragon, Arizona Fireball, and the almighty and uncanny Texas Plunge, which coincidentally is illegal in all fifty states.

I am truly proud to have lived in such a time when such tactical maneuvers were used in order to sway and win the general election. Both parties should give themselves a pat on the back, or a Harry Houdini, for no other rival campaigns in history have been able to take a page from the Kama Sutra and put an American spin on it.

When all is said and done, this election year truly has made history and for the first time in eight full years, I can finally avow with confidence and pride that we, the Democratic Party, have donkey punched the Republicans off of their pedestal.

Justin Shlensky

Junior in LAS