Where’s my bailout?

By Sarah Borys

Anyone know where I can apply for a government bailout? My business, Trying to Make Ends Meet (TEM), is currently in quite a bit of trouble. TEM is not guilty of bad business practices, but rather, has been a victim of other corporations, such as Ameren IP, food producers, and the publishers of various college-level textbooks. TEM has also had to take out many large student loans so that it can pay for the college education of and support the family of its CEO, me. By this risky and downright outrageous business plan, TEM hopes to contribute something worthwhile to the rest of the world once its CEO graduates.

Now, TEM realizes that this is a long-term investment, but assures tax-payers that investing in us will be worthwhile and beneficial for everyone. We at TEM believe we are more deserving of a bailout than banks or auto executives for several reasons.

1. TEM was not asked if it wanted to bailout big business.

2. The CEO of TEM is just as deserving of being bailed-out as richer, greedier CEOs.

3. TEM is TRYING TO MAKE ENDS MEET!!!